'Fallen Angel' is my response the the challenge that had 'Fall' in the title or as a theme....at first I thought of the season, but the muse saw this as an opportunity to do several things at once - fill in a gaping hole in the ML storyline and thank those who've participated in the insightful episode discussions we've had, specifically 'Sleeping Beauty' and 'Love Lasts Forever', as led by Guardian Angel and Allegrita
. A lot of that discussion had to do with Beth's behavior after seeing Sara Whitley and why she did what she did.One of the things that bothered me in the sequence of 'Sleeping Beauty', 'Love Lasts Forever' and 'The Mortal Cure' is the ambiguity of what happened to Sara Whitley. We see Josef at the end of 'Sleeping Beauty', reminiscing about Sara and the next time we see him he's shooting pool in 'The Mortal Cure' as if Sara never existed. She's never mentioned again until 'Sonata' when their dedicating the 'Sara Whitley Memorial Sports Arena', but still, there was no clear resolution as to her fate.
'Fallen Angel' is my attempt to answer some of those questions through a story of two immortals coming to grips with the pain of losing the mortal women they love. This story was really written by many who participated in the discussion of 'Sleeping Beauty' and 'Love Lasts Forever'. I'm just the scribe.
The usual disclaimers apply - I don't own any of these characters, and the quotes from 'Sleeping Beauty', 'Love Lasts Forever' and 'Fever' are made with deep respect for Jill Blotevogel and Josh Pate.
Fallen Angel
Mick’s Voice Over
It’s 3 am and all I want to do is die, this time for good.
‘Turn him, he'll live. Save him, please. For me. Please!’
Tonight, I denied her.
‘If you'd have done it, he'd still be here.’
Tonight, for the first time in her life, I failed her.
‘Would you have saved me?’
Tonight, I’d fallen from the lofty pedestal Beth had put me on and the landing was hard.
Emotionally, I’m as bruised and beaten as I’ve ever been. I’m tired of this undead life, tired of burying my feelings and being alone. In the last few weeks, I’d gotten close to Beth, close enough to know how good it felt. How good she felt. I wanted more.
Josef’s love affair with Sara Whitley had given me hope that someday, Beth might see me as more than a friend. But now….now everything’s changed and there’s no chance in hell she’ll ever look at me again with anything but loathing.
‘If you hate what you are so much, then why do you go on living?’
After tonight, maybe I won’t.
Right now, all I want is to drink the pain away, then surrender myself to icy oblivion, ending this god-awful nightmare. Entering my apartment, I sense the nightmare isn’t over just yet.
“Josef! I thought you were still in New York.”
My oldest friend looks like I feel. Judging from his haunted eyes, the amber liquid he hands me has kept him company in my absence, but not for very long. If he’s looking for sympathy, he’ll be sorely disappointed. I’m all tapped out.
“I got back earlier tonight. My business in New York is finished.”
“What about Whitley?”
A wry smile crosses my friend’s face, silently confirming my suspicion. Josef never leaves loose ends.
“Mr. Whitley had an emergent meeting with a ‘higher authority’, one from which he’ll never return.”
“Funny how he happened to die while you were in town.”
“Old age is hell, my friend, for humans, that is. The strain of the hunt was apparently too much for his heart, such as it was. I’m guessing failure at bringing about my demise did him in.”
“How would he know Martan failed?”
“I think seeing me at his bedside was his first clue. His parting shot? ‘Monster!!’ Disappointing, really. I expected something more creative from the old reprobate. Not being one to deny a dying man, however, I vamped out. First time I’ve actually scared someone to death.”
“So why the long face?”
Josef was silent for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. Sharing his love for Sara, even with me, hadn’t been easy for him.
“After you and Beth left, I spent some time with Sara, much as I have for the last 53 years. I sit and watch her, wondering if she’ll ever open those gorgeous green eyes again. Often, I talk to her, hoping my voice will bring her to life. I try to remember everything she was to me, every touch, every smile, every kiss we shared. And with each passing year, it gets harder for me to remember. Each year, I feel her slipping further and further away.”
For once, I could relate. Except in my case, Beth is very much alive and hates my guts. I wonder what Sara feels about Josef.
“This time was different, you know? Despite my hopes, no miracle has occurred. Science is focused on keeping people alive, not resurrecting the dead. So after I returned from my brief, albeit satisfying visit with her father, I held Sara as I read her diary aloud. ‘I’m ready’ were the last words she wrote. Saying them, I realized that so was I. It was finally time to let her go.”
Shit! I never knew about Sara until a week ago, but because of her, I learned a lot about a man I thought I knew, and a lot about myself as well. Josef had taken a chance on loving a human and even when her turning went south, he never gave up hope that Sara would someday return to him. He’d given me hope that I could somehow make things work with Beth. By pulling the plug on Sara, Josef had finally given up. Maybe I should, too.
On top of everything else tonight, this was just too much. I downed the last of my drink, then flung the glass across the room. Josef never flinched.
“Mick…… I heard what happened to Beth’s boyfriend today, and for both her sake and yours, I’m sorry. From what my sources tell me, Lindsey went after a man evil enough to make the devil proud. A noble, but foolhardy undertaking.”
“Yeah, Josh knew the risk in taking on Tejada, but he had to try. That was just the kind of man he was.”
“My sources also tell me how hard you tried to save him and that your efforts weren’t as appreciated as they should have been.”
“What did you expect Beth to do, Josef? Tell me I did everything I could, then thank me for my efforts?”
Tell me she loved me….
“No. That’s what you expect her to do. That’s what you need her to do. And you don’t understand why she can’t.”
Josef’s accusation stung and all the anger I’d suppressed finally erupted. “Damn it, Josef! She wanted me to turn him, to inflict this..this ‘life’ on an innocent man. I told her I wouldn’t, that turning Josh wouldn’t be keeping him alive.”
“And you were right to refuse.”
My friend’s calm response did nothing but stoke my anger. “Yeah? Trying telling Beth that. She’s been in her apartment most of the night, sitting in the dark, surrounded by reminders of a man I couldn’t save. Maybe she believes I really didn’t want to and maybe she’s right. All I know for certain is that her heart lies with a dead man.”
“Yes, my friend, it does. It’s just that she’s not ready to admit that yet. How can she, when another man who once held her heart lies in the morgue this night?”
“What are you saying?”
“I know what Beth’s feeling now. When Sara’s turning failed, I was devastated. I’d found a woman who loved me, in spite of everything. She was willing to risk her life for me and she lost. We both did.”
“I don’t see…”
“I kept Sara ‘alive’ in New York, surrounded by mementos of our time together. I told myself a miracle would occur and that she’d wake up some day. It took me 53 years to realize that she wasn’t coming back. Worse, it took me that long to admit that all I wanted was to tell her how sorry I was. I felt guilty, Mick, because of what I’d done to her. Every time I stepped into her room, I was stepping back to a time when I was head over heels in love, hoping to regain that feeling, hoping even more to be forgiven. I wasn’t keeping Sara alive for her sake, I was keeping her alive for mine.”
“Is that what you think Beth is doing, looking for forgiveness? For what?”
“In her own way, yes. Lindsey held Beth’s heart in a time when her life was less …. complicated. He loved her for who and what she was – a bright, beautiful, caring woman who livened up his otherwise workaday existence. He, in return, provided Beth a sense of safety and security. When Beth met you, the safe life with Lindsey began to look pretty boring.”
‘It's just that being on the hunt with you is kinda fun.’
“Josef, I tried to stay out of her life. I didn’t want to come between her and Josh.”
Josef’s own anger flared. “You’re kidding yourself, boyo, something you’re quite good at. If you wanted to stay out of her life, you’d have walked away from her 23 years ago, but you didn’t. You could have stayed hidden, but you chose to let her know who and what you were. The fact that Beth didn’t run screaming into the night or worse, to her DA boyfriend, says a lot about her and her feelings for you.” More gently, he continued. “Face it, my friend, Lindsey lost Beth the moment she set eyes on you and she knows it. My guess is so did he.”
“If that’s true, why did she take him to her bed when she got back from New York?”
“Guilt and fear likely drove her into Lindsey’s arms or perhaps he was a surrogate for the man she really wanted in her bed.”
“That’s disgusting. Beth would never…”
“Why not? Beth’s not a saint, Mick, she’s a woman, one you’ve kept at arm’s length and not the one she’s interested in. Why do you think she came to New York with you? She’s trying to find the man behind the mask, get closer to him, but everything she witnessed scared her away. Assassins, flying bullets and blood have that effect on humans. Going back to Lindsey meant going back to safety, that’s all.”
As much as I wanted to argue with him, I knew Josef was right. When Beth went to New York with me, she was excited; the hunt was on again. When we parted, she was reserved, thoughtful. But it wasn’t just Martan that frightened her. Seeing Sara frozen in time made her realize that there really were dangers associated with human-vampire relationships. For the first time since she’d known me, I sensed she was afraid of me. I just didn’t want to admit it.
If Josef was trying to make me feel better, he was failing miserably. All I wanted now was for him to go away so I could crawl into my freezer and lick my wounds in peace. Josef didn’t take the hint. Or maybe he just ignored it.
“Besides witnessing the brutal murder of someone she cared about, Beth’s trying to cope with the new found understanding that there are no guarantees in life. She thought she’d be safe with Lindsey. She was wrong.”
“So why blame me?”
“Because she’s had her fairy tale image of you shattered as well. You’re not some kind of guardian angel that’s going to keep her safe from all life’s dangers or do whatever she asks of you. You’re a vampire, a dangerous man, one she finds attractive, yet one with the decency to not inflict this life on someone who wouldn’t have wanted it. In time, she’ll come to understand that.”
“OK. Why push me away?”
“Because seeing you reminds her of how much she loves you. Right now, she’s feeling guilty as hell wondering whether Lindsey would still be alive if she’d been honest with him and with herself. Believe me, I can relate.”
I didn’t know what to say. Beth couldn’t possibly love me after tonight, could she?
Josef’s eyes sought mine. “Perhaps Lindsey was as noble as you think him. Or perhaps he was more afraid of backing down and losing Beth than he was of facing Tejada. He gambled and he lost. But he gambled out of love, just as Sara did with me. What your future with Beth holds, only the two of you can determine.”
“And what if Beth gambles on me and loses?”
“Always with you the glass is half empty, you know? Believe me, you’d both be far better off knowing you tried to make things work, then wondering about what could have been for the rest of your lives. Sara may be gone, but her love is a gift I’ll treasure forever.”
Josef handed me his glass, then filled it. “Get some sleep, my friend. What you did today was the only thing you could have done and deep down, Beth knows that. Give her time to sort everything out, to deal with her fear and guilt. Her love for you won’t let her stay away forever.”
Later, as the sun rose over the city of angels, I realized Josef had given me more than sympathy; he'd given me what I needed most- a reason to live. Maybe Beth’s guardian angel had fallen to earth, maybe she would be angry with me for a while, but when she was ready to open her heart to me, I’d be ready to open mine.
I love Mick and Josef heart-to-heart talks. 
Thanks for posting!
He's tormented with guilt about Josh, too. No matter what he told Beth, he feels terrible that he let Josh die.
Yeah, and maybe Josef felt better as well, telling the one person he could about Sara's fate.
I love writing these two, whether it be playful, guy banter or something more serious, like this.
I'm glad you went back and re-read this. My intent was to show Mick as a man who's utterly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. Just as he's gotten up a bit of courage about telling Beth how he feels, he finds Josh with Beth, clearly putting a stop to any of his plans. When Josh is kidnapped and murdered in front of them, then Beth blames him for not turning Josh and pushes him away, he's lost and confused, knowing he's done the right thing, but can't understand why Beth can't see that. Without Beth in his life, he sees no reason to live.