Red,
I've just spent the last hour reading and savoring the letters...from the first to the last. I didn't think you could top 'Afterglow', but you did with the letters. More, they provided a very real, very satisfying view of the pain of separation from Mick's POV. Some letters were sad, poignant in his loneliness, while others showed a man tired of the wait, tired of the separation, just plain tired. They showed his varied responses to the time and circumstance of a particular day during their separation. He needs to tell her, he needs to let her know, otherwise, he'll despair.
Forgive the longwindedness of this reply, but your efforts with 'Afterglow' and the 'Year Long Love Letter' are truly to be praised and admired.
Day 1
I never felt the absence of someone until now. You and I are more than two people sharing a life - we're one and now I feel like a part of me has been torn away.
The revelation that his life changed so completely when he married her has hit him and now that she is gone, how completely it has changed again. He's lost her, he's lost a part of himself.
Day 3
Beth, my wife,
I still can't believe I've just written that. My wife.
Again, who she is and what she means to him is becoming clearer with each day of her absence.
Day 7
For the first time today I felt a hot, vicious surge of anger. Anger at the world. Anger at myself for not being able to stop any of this happening. Anger at a group of people who don't know us but get to decide our fate. They think they have the right - because I am less than human, beneath them - and beneath you. They're wrong. They don't have the right. No-one has that right.
After a week of missing her, the reason for their separation burns through his consciousness and it angers him - those that know nothing of them have decided their union unacceptable. Their arrogance, their bigotry have caused their separation and the injustice of it all begins to eat at him.
Day 32
Now a month has passed....his greeting reduced to a simple 'Hey', kinda upbeat.
His reminiscing about his father, about being a good husband was utterly beautiful. His fear about what his father would think of him now, heartbreaking.
I wonder what he'd make of the man I am now - an adult, a husband. A vampire. I know I told you that I had to keep away from my family because I was a danger to them, but there was always more to it than that. I couldn't bear the thought of my father looking at me with anything other than unconditional love. What if he was afraid of me? What if he couldn't look me in the eye? What if he looked at me and no longer saw his son?
Day 33
In the space of a day, he has shifted from familial reminiscing to dissecting the family he has staked out. They look normal, but they are anything but. The woman in particular has drawn his anger, as she is one of those who have judged him and found him to be unworthy of love. I love his thoughts about how he'd deal with her, given the chance
But while I wait, I've made some decisions. In the cold light of day, just as she has determined my fate, I've determined hers. If it comes to it, if necessary, I will kill her and I'll do so without regret, even though I know it'll be hard. It goes against so much of what I was raised to believe, of what my mom and dad taught me about right and wrong, but everything's different now. I have my own family to protect, to fight for, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you, us, safe. This isn't vampire justice - it's justice.
Day 34
From anger to joy, all because he saw her on TV and heard her voice. I remember reading the chapter in which he sees her report and touches the screen, hoping on some level to touch her. One brief reassurance that she is alive and well brings joy to his tormented soul.
Day 47
What a wonderful collection of thoughts going through his head....Josef, the grand general 'marshalling the troops, to being the concerned friend, wondering if Mick will be able to do what has to be done. The resolve of his answer
I'll do whatever I have to.
Day 75
For me, this was one of the most poignant. It's been a couple of months and its beginning to take its toll
I guess it's just getting to me - the silence. I wasn't ready for it and every time I walk through the door it hits me like a wall. In the silence, all I can hear is myself and that scares me.
I miss your sound, your noise, your laugh. The rhythm of Beth. The sound of our life together.
'The rhythm of Beth' - just beautiful.
Day 99
Mick being philosophical. A special day, a birthday, a day to be celebrated together, and they're apart. But as he sits on the beach he feels her with him and the irony of her being another year older being different from his being another year older hits him, but he won't dwell on that because today is the day to celebrate her life.
Day 100
On the heals of his thinking of her birthday, he takes those thoughts to sleep with him and has the most wonderful dream of the two of them making love. Then reality hits
When I woke up, for a few moments I forgot. The dream was so real I thought you were still here and I reached out for you. My freezer never felt so cold as it did at that moment.
The pain was so real, I felt the tears come.
Day 114
This was one of my favorite letters and one that reduced me to tears. Again, he waxes philosophical about his past, about who and what he is, about his relationship and feelings toward Coraline. But he has changed. Life has changed.
For 56 years I've called Coraline my wife. Not any more. You're my wife. The man you married is a different man from the kid who took Coraline's hand and promised her forever. I'm different. And I've only been married once - to you.
Day 146
A lot of time has passed, and the separation is not yet halfway through. His frustration is showing and he's getting tired.
I should be happy but I can't stop thinking that it shouldn't be this hard. The more we uncover, the deeper and wider it goes, the more I think how insane this all is, you know?
Day 150
Another one that reduced me to tears.....after all his pain, he's tripping over himself trying to reassure her that he's alright. But the horrific attack on him was a wake-up call of sorts...he can be hurt, and for a brief moment, he almost wanted it to end and he's ashamd of his own weakness.
I could feel my body shutting down, my mind starting to wander and for a moment, just a moment, I thought about staying there - just lying there and letting the silver do its work. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why. Sitting here now I know that's not what I want - I want you, to be with you. But for those few seconds, the thought of not having to fight any more tempted me. I guess I'm not as strong as you hoped.
From the depths of despair to near rapture as he returns to a room he'd abandoned since she walked out of it - their bedroom, the place that is their own, where the two of them become one, body and soul
I should never have waited so long. As soon as I stepped into the bedroom it was like you were there with me. The air still smelled of your perfume. Your clothes in the closet, ready for you to pull them out - all of them at the same time probably; our bed, unmade, like we'd just got up. I swear when I climbed in, it felt warm. As I read, I could hear your voice, speaking your words of love to me, for me. You were here. You touched me, you held me - we were making love and it was amazing. I felt alive again.
Absolutely stunning.
Day 250 and 255
This says it all
250 days and finally Josef has a plan. We have a plan.
You can feel his combined frustration that it has taken so long, with his joy that finally something is coming together.
Yet after the details aren't forthcoming the joy begins to fade.
I just need to know - I'm going a little crazy here, not knowing.
Day 262 and 263
In the beginning of the letter, the concern and frustration over not knowing what's going on are tempered by the simple warm memories of past Christmases as a child and the loving concern he has for his wife.
I'll light a candle and think of you, wondering how you're going to be spending your Christmas.
Josef is still dodging him, but the afterglow of Midnight Mass and all the warmth it brought him sustains him. Only next year, he won't be going alone.
The final 11 letters show the roller coaster ride of a man that has been through hell and back. He's even running out of ways to tell her how frustrated he is and that he misses her. As the time draws closer, his letters become shorter. Yet when he is told of her return he becomes ecstatic
Beth Beth Beth. I admit it - I've got tears streaming down my face as I write. Tears of joy. I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I'm kind of doing both at the same time.
He's done it. Josef's done it. The old bastard. I don't know how and I don't care because it's over. You're coming home to me.
If only he knew the price.....
But the final letter did me in - Day 364- a self accounting of a man who saw himself a lesser man without the woman that makes him complete, a man who said he wouldn't lose faith, and didn't
Beth,
I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees
I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep
Until tomorrow, my love.
Forever.
M