A Year-Long Love Letter (PG-13) - complete 7/5

[redwinter101]

This takes place during chapter 10

Day 344


Beth,

Beth Beth Beth. I admit it - I've got tears streaming down my face as I write. Tears of joy. I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I'm kind of doing both at the same time.

He's done it. Josef's done it. The old bastard. I don't know how and I don't care because it's over. You're coming home to me.

I'm just gonna sit here for a while looking at the photos of you he brought over - I have told you how beautiful you are, haven't I?

I love you and now finally, finally, after everything, I can let myself believe.

My wife, my lover, my soul - that's what I said to you all those months ago and that's how I feel now.

You're coming home.

M

[redwinter101]

This takes place during chapter 10

Day 358


Beth,

A week to go. Josef is being hilariously formal about the wedding - and I'm letting him. He's taking care of the details, just with a clear instruction to keep it simple. You're already my wife in every way that matters but it'll be kind of nice to make it official. I guess I'm old-fashioned too.

I had the dream again last night. You were here. I felt you. I ran my fingers across your skin and felt your hair brushing against me. I could smell your perfume long after I woke. But this time I know it's only a few days until I'll be able to do all of those things. To hold you, to kiss you, to feel your body against mine. I'd been alone for so long before we met and I'd got used to it but now, it's not just that I want you. I need you. I need to be with you. The thought of making love with you again leaves me breathless.

Soon, my love.

I love you.

M

[redwinter101]

This takes place during chapter 10

Day 364


Beth,

I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

Until tomorrow, my love.

Forever.

M

[redwinter101]

This takes place during chapter 10

Day 365


Beth,

So this is it - my last letter. The last time I'll sit here in the office, wishing and praying and missing you and feeling like it'll never end. A few more hours and you'll be here, home, with me.

Nothing else matters - there's no more to be said.

I don't have the words to tell you how I feel, but tonight I'll be able to show you.

At last, the rest of our life begins.

Yours, always,

Mick

[allegrita]

To read all of them like this, in a bunch, is so hard. You're right--they work better together--but it squashes all of the emotion of the last few chapters into one bunch. And it really, really makes me sad. Because we know what Josef did to make the reunion happen. What he agreed to do, which was even worse than what he ended up doing.

I'm not a visual person, but I've told you before that I can see Mick writing these letters. Picture him silhouetted against the afternoon light slanting in through the windows, writing to Beth every day, pouring out his soul, counting down the year one envelope at a time. I just want to hug him.

I'm very glad you gave us the letters, because they are a wonderful counterpoint to the story. But they really are hard to read. I can just imagine Beth at the end of all those letters... what a huge burden they are to assume, but also what an amazing gift. They give her insight into Mick that he probably could never provide her under any other circumstances. They are like a piece of his soul, folded neatly and served up individually in 365 envelopes. They show her the year from his side. I wonder if, after reading them, she wishes she'd written letters to him...

Thank you for this story. It's one of the saddest I've read, but I'm very glad I did.

[PNWgal]

After reading these, I can picture Beth more clearly, sitting on the floor, surrounded by Mick's tokens of love, hope, despair and joy. They're just so beautiful, but Day 364 made me teary-eyed.

So many promises Mick made, and so hard for him to keep them. This one got me:

I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

How powerful is a strong man in pain, how hard is it to see him suffer and doubt?

But in spite of it all, he never lets go of that love:

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

In a few words, you convey the deep love that Mick holds on to, every day for a year.

Just lovely.

[lorig]

This takes place during chapter 10

Day 364


Beth,

I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

Until tomorrow, my love.

Forever.

M

Nothing could have summed up the year for Mick better than this letter. It said it all without saying too much! These letters had me running the entire range of emotions. They were perfect.

[GuardianAngel]

You are right, Red, they work best read all together. The impact is astounding. I feel bowled over, raw and achy.

I still believe it'll be okay. And if not, if he can't work out a solution, then we will, you and I, together.

This particular line hit me hard. It seemed so selfish since we know to what lengths Josef went to assure their staying together. Yet, can you blame Mick? They put all their faith in Josef and at this point it doesn't seem to be working.

Then he went through that sparse phase. I could feel his desperation in all that white space. You could feel him staring off into space, looking for words, for something, anything to cling to.

He's done it. Josef's done it. The old bastard. I don't know how and I don't care because it's over. You're coming home to me.

In his elation Mick says he doesn't care how - and at that point I'm sure he means it. Not so true when reality hits. And it's never REALLY over is it? Because of the huge price they pay - a life with no Josef.

And then this:

I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

I'm glad I was sitting because I surely would have hurt myself if I weren't. This would have brought me to MY knees. I know this did Beth in when she read it. In that last line you have made me believe that Josef had the right of it - their love was worth any sacrifice. Amazing.

[darkstarrising]

Red,

I've just spent the last hour reading and savoring the letters...from the first to the last. I didn't think you could top 'Afterglow', but you did with the letters. More, they provided a very real, very satisfying view of the pain of separation from Mick's POV. Some letters were sad, poignant in his loneliness, while others showed a man tired of the wait, tired of the separation, just plain tired. They showed his varied responses to the time and circumstance of a particular day during their separation. He needs to tell her, he needs to let her know, otherwise, he'll despair.

Forgive the longwindedness of this reply, but your efforts with 'Afterglow' and the 'Year Long Love Letter' are truly to be praised and admired.

Day 1

I never felt the absence of someone until now. You and I are more than two people sharing a life - we're one and now I feel like a part of me has been torn away.

The revelation that his life changed so completely when he married her has hit him and now that she is gone, how completely it has changed again. He's lost her, he's lost a part of himself.

Day 3

Beth, my wife,

I still can't believe I've just written that. My wife.

Again, who she is and what she means to him is becoming clearer with each day of her absence.

Day 7

For the first time today I felt a hot, vicious surge of anger. Anger at the world. Anger at myself for not being able to stop any of this happening. Anger at a group of people who don't know us but get to decide our fate. They think they have the right - because I am less than human, beneath them - and beneath you. They're wrong. They don't have the right. No-one has that right.

After a week of missing her, the reason for their separation burns through his consciousness and it angers him - those that know nothing of them have decided their union unacceptable. Their arrogance, their bigotry have caused their separation and the injustice of it all begins to eat at him.

Day 32

Now a month has passed....his greeting reduced to a simple 'Hey', kinda upbeat.

His reminiscing about his father, about being a good husband was utterly beautiful. His fear about what his father would think of him now, heartbreaking.

I wonder what he'd make of the man I am now - an adult, a husband. A vampire. I know I told you that I had to keep away from my family because I was a danger to them, but there was always more to it than that. I couldn't bear the thought of my father looking at me with anything other than unconditional love. What if he was afraid of me? What if he couldn't look me in the eye? What if he looked at me and no longer saw his son?

Day 33

In the space of a day, he has shifted from familial reminiscing to dissecting the family he has staked out. They look normal, but they are anything but. The woman in particular has drawn his anger, as she is one of those who have judged him and found him to be unworthy of love. I love his thoughts about how he'd deal with her, given the chance

But while I wait, I've made some decisions. In the cold light of day, just as she has determined my fate, I've determined hers. If it comes to it, if necessary, I will kill her and I'll do so without regret, even though I know it'll be hard. It goes against so much of what I was raised to believe, of what my mom and dad taught me about right and wrong, but everything's different now. I have my own family to protect, to fight for, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you, us, safe. This isn't vampire justice - it's justice.

Day 34

From anger to joy, all because he saw her on TV and heard her voice. I remember reading the chapter in which he sees her report and touches the screen, hoping on some level to touch her. One brief reassurance that she is alive and well brings joy to his tormented soul.

Day 47

What a wonderful collection of thoughts going through his head....Josef, the grand general 'marshalling the troops, to being the concerned friend, wondering if Mick will be able to do what has to be done. The resolve of his answer

I'll do whatever I have to.

Day 75

For me, this was one of the most poignant. It's been a couple of months and its beginning to take its toll

I guess it's just getting to me - the silence. I wasn't ready for it and every time I walk through the door it hits me like a wall. In the silence, all I can hear is myself and that scares me.

I miss your sound, your noise, your laugh. The rhythm of Beth. The sound of our life together.

'The rhythm of Beth' - just beautiful.

Day 99

Mick being philosophical. A special day, a birthday, a day to be celebrated together, and they're apart. But as he sits on the beach he feels her with him and the irony of her being another year older being different from his being another year older hits him, but he won't dwell on that because today is the day to celebrate her life.

Day 100

On the heals of his thinking of her birthday, he takes those thoughts to sleep with him and has the most wonderful dream of the two of them making love. Then reality hits

When I woke up, for a few moments I forgot. The dream was so real I thought you were still here and I reached out for you. My freezer never felt so cold as it did at that moment.

The pain was so real, I felt the tears come.

Day 114

This was one of my favorite letters and one that reduced me to tears. Again, he waxes philosophical about his past, about who and what he is, about his relationship and feelings toward Coraline. But he has changed. Life has changed.

For 56 years I've called Coraline my wife. Not any more. You're my wife. The man you married is a different man from the kid who took Coraline's hand and promised her forever. I'm different. And I've only been married once - to you.

Day 146

A lot of time has passed, and the separation is not yet halfway through. His frustration is showing and he's getting tired.

I should be happy but I can't stop thinking that it shouldn't be this hard. The more we uncover, the deeper and wider it goes, the more I think how insane this all is, you know?

Day 150

Another one that reduced me to tears.....after all his pain, he's tripping over himself trying to reassure her that he's alright. But the horrific attack on him was a wake-up call of sorts...he can be hurt, and for a brief moment, he almost wanted it to end and he's ashamd of his own weakness.

I could feel my body shutting down, my mind starting to wander and for a moment, just a moment, I thought about staying there - just lying there and letting the silver do its work. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why. Sitting here now I know that's not what I want - I want you, to be with you. But for those few seconds, the thought of not having to fight any more tempted me. I guess I'm not as strong as you hoped.

From the depths of despair to near rapture as he returns to a room he'd abandoned since she walked out of it - their bedroom, the place that is their own, where the two of them become one, body and soul

I should never have waited so long. As soon as I stepped into the bedroom it was like you were there with me. The air still smelled of your perfume. Your clothes in the closet, ready for you to pull them out - all of them at the same time probably; our bed, unmade, like we'd just got up. I swear when I climbed in, it felt warm. As I read, I could hear your voice, speaking your words of love to me, for me. You were here. You touched me, you held me - we were making love and it was amazing. I felt alive again.

Absolutely stunning.

Day 250 and 255

This says it all

250 days and finally Josef has a plan. We have a plan.

You can feel his combined frustration that it has taken so long, with his joy that finally something is coming together.

Yet after the details aren't forthcoming the joy begins to fade.

I just need to know - I'm going a little crazy here, not knowing.

Day 262 and 263

In the beginning of the letter, the concern and frustration over not knowing what's going on are tempered by the simple warm memories of past Christmases as a child and the loving concern he has for his wife.

I'll light a candle and think of you, wondering how you're going to be spending your Christmas.

Josef is still dodging him, but the afterglow of Midnight Mass and all the warmth it brought him sustains him. Only next year, he won't be going alone.

The final 11 letters show the roller coaster ride of a man that has been through hell and back. He's even running out of ways to tell her how frustrated he is and that he misses her. As the time draws closer, his letters become shorter. Yet when he is told of her return he becomes ecstatic

Beth Beth Beth. I admit it - I've got tears streaming down my face as I write. Tears of joy. I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I'm kind of doing both at the same time.

He's done it. Josef's done it. The old bastard. I don't know how and I don't care because it's over. You're coming home to me.

If only he knew the price.....

But the final letter did me in - Day 364- a self accounting of a man who saw himself a lesser man without the woman that makes him complete, a man who said he wouldn't lose faith, and didn't

Beth,

I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

Until tomorrow, my love.

Forever.

M

[janicevictoria]

Dear Red, I'm speechless...Mick's letters are stunningly beautiful and meaningful. Knowing what's to become of Josef and the fact that he did it willingly for Beth & Mick just makes it more poignant...
Your writing is as always, deeply moving

[francis]

Beautiful, sad, hopeful, haunting, emotional, heartbreaking, everything is in this letters. The last letters work well together, as they get shorter and shorter as Mick almost is at his knees no longer knowing what to tell her, needing her with him, no longer able to sustenate on her memory alone. And his triumph when Josef told him it's over! He doesn't know yet of the sacrifice it will take, and revels in having his Beth back. There's so much love in that last letters, so much he will soon be able to tell her in person.
Wonderful, redwinter. Thank you so much for this roller coaster.

[coco]

Firstly a thousand apologies for missing some letters. Being offline so much lately, I've gotten a little lost with my updates.

The Christmas letters are so incredibly sad and have a real sense of longing from Mick. The thought of being alone at Christmas is sad and it's one of those holidays where it makes you think of the past and all that's gone before and can make the present all the sadder as a result. Poor Mick. It's nice to see he is going back to mass though - I hope it brings him what he needs.

I think I'll go to Midnight Mass. It's years since I last set foot in a church but for some reason it feels like it's time. It feels like the right thing - I need to go. Just to go and see what happens. I'll light a candle and think of you, wondering how you're going to be spending your Christmas. I saw on the news that you've got heavy snow. I confess I'm jealous - Christmas should always have snow. I just hope you won't be alone. I'll be with you in my heart.

*sigh*

Day 263:
There is definite worry from Mick in terms of Josef but I get a sense of a slightly more hopeful Mick after his visit to mass. He is looking to the future and what he can have with Beth and it made me smile.

It's sixty years since I sang a Christmas carol - but I did last night and it felt good. I just wish you'd been there. Next year, okay?

Just lovely Red, as always. (i love this new smilie. Daisies are my favourite )

I'll be back once I've read the next two.

[coco]

I'm back after reading the next 11 (not 2)

I'm so glad you let us read these all together Red. They add so much to that image we have of Beth sitting on the floor reading these and having the response she did to them. If Beth was ever in any doubt of how Mick felt about her - just reading these would put all that doubt to rest. These truly are beautiful, love letters from Mick to Beth. A coping mechanism they may have been for him but they've become so much more than that too.

This is gorgeous:

I love you and now finally, finally, after everything, I can let myself believe.

My wife, my lover, my soul - that's what I said to you all those months ago and that's how I feel now.

You're coming home.

And this entire letter is just incredible:

Day 364


Beth,

I promised I'd be strong - I've been weak
I promised I wouldn't doubt - I've doubted
I promised I wouldn't be afraid - some days I've been consumed by fear
I promised I'd hold you close in my heart - some days I've pushed you away because it hurt too much
I promised I'd fight - there were times I nearly gave up
I promised I wouldn't think you'd be better off without me - I've wondered why you put yourself through this, for me, for us
I promised I'd stand tall - this year without you has brought me to my knees

I promised I'd love you forever - every moment of every day, that's one promise I've managed to keep

Until tomorrow, my love.

Forever.

M

I absolutely adore everything about Afterglow - it's one of those stories that will remain with me for a long time and these letters just add another wonderful layer to that story. To witness Mick's thoughts through these letters we are included in the entire story as readers and for you to have taken this time do this for us is incredible Red. Thank you.

[Albra]

Thank you, Red, for all those beautiful letters ...

[sabazzz]

Nooooooo Red!! You can't do this to me! I'm all crying now...This was just so sad and finally, a glimmer of hope in the end..it's too much..Such beautiful letters from Mick..I can feel that he is losing hope, doesn't want to, but still is...and then finally, a ray of light in the end. It was perfect...