Tuning In and Turning On -- A Mostly True Story (PG-13)
Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 7:06 pm
Title: Tuning in and Turning On
Rating: PG-13 for mild adult themes
A/N: This is not a work of fiction. Well, not really. One day several months ago my BFF, another friend whose name is Beth, and I assembled at my house to watch NSTAV. Friend Beth is already a Moonlight lover and Alex devotee, but she had somehow missed the first several episodes of the show. My BFF, on the other hand, refers to Alex as “Mr. Fat Face.” Rather than dumping her as a BFF, I'm attempting to turn her. This appears to be a multi-step process. What follows is a mostly accurate account of what transpired.
Step One: Shirt Off, Nostrils Flared
Fade in on interview with Mick. Mick actually gets a few words in.
BFF: "Why is he being interviewed?"
Me: "It's a plot device to jump-start our knowledge of vampirism. You were the English major."
Interview continues.
BFF: “Who is interviewing him?”
Me: “Beth.”
Beth: “Huh?”
Me: “No, not you, the Beth in the story.”
BFF: “What Beth in the story?”
Beth: “Oh yeah, she’s Beth, too. Wonder what it’s short for. Mine’s short for Elizabeth.”
Me: “Yeah, there’s a Beth in the story. Shut up and watch.”
Beth: “Maybe it’s short for Bethany.”
BFF: “Shhhhhh!”
Beth: “Shhhhh yourself. You’re the one who talks through movies.”
Interview continues.
BFF: “He sleeps in a freezer? Why?”
Me: “Shut up and watch!”
Beth: “No, remember, they don’t talk about the whole freezer thing until . . .”
BFF: “What whole freezer thing?”
Me: “Why he sleeps in a freezer. It’s because . . ."
BFF: “Wait. Was that him in the freezer in the beginning? That was a freezer?”
Beth: “Yeah.”
Beth: “Shhh!”
BFF: "So did they talk about what kills them?"
Me: "Beheading and fire. If you hadn't been talking during the interview, you would have caught that."
BFF: "What about stakes?"
Beth: "Oh, stakes don't kill them, they only paralyze them."
BFF: “’A way to use my special abilities.’ What special abilities?”
Beth: “Well, he has amazing hearing, and he can smell things . . .”
Me: “Shhh!”
BFF: “’I don’t hunt innocents?’ What does that mean? Does he hunt people?”
Me: "If you had been listening, you would have heard this!!”
Beth: “He’s a private investigator. He hunts the bad guys.”
BFF: “And sucks their blood?”
Beth: “Sometimes. Shhhh.”
Mick rises out of the freezer.
BFF: “Wait. Was he naked in there?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
BFF: “Why didn’t you tell me he gets naked in this show?”
Me: “Uh . . .”
BFF: "Ooooh, I'm feeling all special down there!"
Me: "I thought you said he was Mr. Fat Face."
BFF: "That’s his face. I didn’t say anything about the rest of him. He injects himself with blood? I thought you said he drank it?”
Me: "He can do both."
BFF: “Is blood all he can have?”
Me: “Weren’t you watching the interview?”
BFF: "No, I was asking you questions. You know, every time I see that guy, he's got his shirt off."
Me and Beth: "There's a reason for that!"
Beth (to me): "Didn't you just love when he was walking down the beach in that one where he was . . ."
Me: "Sssshhhhhh! Don't give it away!"
Beth: "Oh yeah!"
BFF: "What?"
Me: "Nothing."
Mick watches Beth walk through the fountain.
BFF: “Who’s that?”
Me: “Beth.”
Beth: “Huh?”
Me: “Nothing.”
BFF: “Who’s Beth?”
Me: “Well, she’s, uh . . .”
BFF: “The girlfriend?”
Beth: “Well, uh, it’s . . . uh . . .”
Me: “Just watch, will you?”
Beth: “Oh my God! Blue jeans, white striped shirt, cream jacket!! Of course!”
BFF: “What?”
Me: “Nothing. It’s something that happens later.”
Beth: “Yeah, MUCH later.”
Mick walks into Josef's house.
BFF: "Who is that?"
Me: "That's Josef. That's Mick's best friend."
BFF: "He looks like a kid, all cute and innocent."
Me: "He's anything but."
Freshie approaches Josef.
BFF: "So does he, like, bite her?"
Me: "Shut up and watch."
BFF: "Is she a vampire, too?"
Me: "Honestly. Didn't you read any Anne Rice?"
BFF: "No! I'm a Danielle Steele girl."
Me: "She's a human."
BFF: "And she lets him do that? Ooooh, she obviously enjoys it."
Beth: "Yeah. She's a freshie."
BFF: "A what?"
Beth: "A freshie. They let vamps feed from them."
BFF: "In exchange for what? Is that all they do? Provide food?"
Me: "Depends. They're like high-priced call girls without the sex."
Beth: “Well, sometimes with the sex.”
BFF: "So do the vampires have sex with them?"
Me: (realizing I might be confusing fanfiction with the show) "Maybe. Depends."
BFF: "Does Mick have sex with them?"
Me: "Mick doesn't even feed from them."
BFF: "Why not?"
Me: "Uh, long story. You’ll have to see more episodes."
Josef bites the freshie.
BFF: “Ooooh! That eye thing! That’s sexy!”
Beth and Me: “Yeah!”
BFF: “Is that what happens when they, you know, bite?”
Beth: “Yeah.”
BFF: “I’m beginning to see why you like this show . . .”
Mick visits the morgue.
BFF: "So he gets his blood from the morgue--from that Julio guy?"
Me: "Guillermo."
BFF: "Whatever. But Mick doesn't have--what are they--freshies? Are they paid?"
Me: "Yeah."
BFF: "Where do I sign up for that?"
Beth and Me: "You and me both!"
BFF: "But why does't Mick have freshies?"
Beth: "Could we PLEASE not go into this now?"
Me: "You learn more about how Mick feeds in Episode 3."
BFF: "But we're not WATCHING episode 3 today."
Me: "Tough."
BFF: "Can he fly?"
Me: "They talk about that in Episode 3, too."
BFF: "BUT WE'RE NOT WATCHING EPISODE 3 TODAY!"
Beth: “Actually, they went over that in the interview, but YOU WEREN’T LISTENING!”
Mick inhales the body in the morgue.
BFF: “Whoa! What was that?”
Beth: “That’s the vampire smelling thing he does.”
BFF: “That’s sexy! Back that up. I wanna see that again.”
Beth's mother clings to Mick in 1985.
BFF: "Oh, I get it. Beth is the little girl in the photograph."
Beth: "How'd you figure that out so fast?"
BFF: "I'm good at that. I figured out who did it in that last Elizabeth George novel you gave me only about 100 pages in."
Beth: “Will you shut up!”
BFF: “Ooooh! That inhaling thing again! Does he do that a lot?”
Beth: “Not enough.”
Beth breaks the vase over Mick’s head.
BFF: "What's her name?"
Me: "Beth, remember?"
Beth: "Huh?"
Me (to Beth): "No, not you; the Beth in the show."
BFF: "No, I know her name is Beth on the show; what's her real name?"
Me: "Soph-eye-uh Myles."
BFF: "Oh. How pretentious. Soph-eye-uh."
Me: "She's English. You know, like Mar-eye-uh."
Beth: "WILL YOU SHUT UP!"
BFF: "Can Mick control when he changes?"
Me: "It's called 'vamping out.'"
BFF: "Does he do that eye thing?”
Beth: “Oh, yeah . . .”
BFF: “Can he control it? When he ‘vamps out?’"
Me: "Mostly."
BFF: "Mostly?"
Me: "Well, yeah. There are the 'four F's.'"
BFF: "What are they?"
Beth: "Could you all PLEASE shut up? I'm trying to watch this. Why have I never seen this episode?"
Me: "Fight, flight, feed, and, well, you know."
BFF: "So vampires do have sex."
Me and Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Didn't we go over that?"
BFF: "Has he?"
Me: "Has who?"
BFF: "Mick. Has he had sex?"
Me: "You mean ever?"
BFF: "No, dummy, on the show."
Me: "Well, no. Not yet."
BFF: "But it's coming, so to speak."
Me: "Maybe."
BFF: "So can he eat anything but blood?"
Me: “We went over that!”
BFF: “You said he doesn’t eat anything but blood. But can he?”
Me: "Well, yes, but it doesn't taste. They go into that in . . ."
BFF: "Don't tell me. Episode 3."
Beth: "Shut UP! This is important here!"
Josef is in Mick's apartment.
BFF: "Wow! What a great apartment! I want that apartment!"
Me: "Get in line."
BFF: "Ooohh. Josef isn't all sweet and innocent, is he?"
Me: "Now you're getting it."
Mick saves Little Girl Beth from Coraline in 1985.
BFF: "So that's the ex-wife? She's beautiful. Ooooh. She's dead."
Beth and I just look at each other.
Mick brings Beth back to his apartment after saving her from the graduate student.
BFF (to Mick): "Well honey, I don't think that shirts is quite tight enough. You should wear those shirts just a little tighter, don't you think?"
The hug.
Me: "That's where they had me. Right there."
Beth: "They had me in the bathtub."
BFF: "What bathtub?"
Me: "Oh, it's in Episode --"
BFF: "Don't tell me--Three!"
Beth: "Actually, it's Episode 4. Why have I never seen this episode?"
BFF: "He has man boobs."
Me and Beth: "NO HE DOESN'T!!"
BFF: "He's cute, but he does have man boobs."
to be continued
Rating: PG-13 for mild adult themes
A/N: This is not a work of fiction. Well, not really. One day several months ago my BFF, another friend whose name is Beth, and I assembled at my house to watch NSTAV. Friend Beth is already a Moonlight lover and Alex devotee, but she had somehow missed the first several episodes of the show. My BFF, on the other hand, refers to Alex as “Mr. Fat Face.” Rather than dumping her as a BFF, I'm attempting to turn her. This appears to be a multi-step process. What follows is a mostly accurate account of what transpired.
Step One: Shirt Off, Nostrils Flared
Fade in on interview with Mick. Mick actually gets a few words in.
BFF: "Why is he being interviewed?"
Me: "It's a plot device to jump-start our knowledge of vampirism. You were the English major."
Interview continues.
BFF: “Who is interviewing him?”
Me: “Beth.”
Beth: “Huh?”
Me: “No, not you, the Beth in the story.”
BFF: “What Beth in the story?”
Beth: “Oh yeah, she’s Beth, too. Wonder what it’s short for. Mine’s short for Elizabeth.”
Me: “Yeah, there’s a Beth in the story. Shut up and watch.”
Beth: “Maybe it’s short for Bethany.”
BFF: “Shhhhhh!”
Beth: “Shhhhh yourself. You’re the one who talks through movies.”
Interview continues.
BFF: “He sleeps in a freezer? Why?”
Me: “Shut up and watch!”
Beth: “No, remember, they don’t talk about the whole freezer thing until . . .”
BFF: “What whole freezer thing?”
Me: “Why he sleeps in a freezer. It’s because . . ."
BFF: “Wait. Was that him in the freezer in the beginning? That was a freezer?”
Beth: “Yeah.”
Beth: “Shhh!”
BFF: "So did they talk about what kills them?"
Me: "Beheading and fire. If you hadn't been talking during the interview, you would have caught that."
BFF: "What about stakes?"
Beth: "Oh, stakes don't kill them, they only paralyze them."
BFF: “’A way to use my special abilities.’ What special abilities?”
Beth: “Well, he has amazing hearing, and he can smell things . . .”
Me: “Shhh!”
BFF: “’I don’t hunt innocents?’ What does that mean? Does he hunt people?”
Me: "If you had been listening, you would have heard this!!”
Beth: “He’s a private investigator. He hunts the bad guys.”
BFF: “And sucks their blood?”
Beth: “Sometimes. Shhhh.”
Mick rises out of the freezer.
BFF: “Wait. Was he naked in there?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
BFF: “Why didn’t you tell me he gets naked in this show?”
Me: “Uh . . .”
BFF: "Ooooh, I'm feeling all special down there!"
Me: "I thought you said he was Mr. Fat Face."
BFF: "That’s his face. I didn’t say anything about the rest of him. He injects himself with blood? I thought you said he drank it?”
Me: "He can do both."
BFF: “Is blood all he can have?”
Me: “Weren’t you watching the interview?”
BFF: "No, I was asking you questions. You know, every time I see that guy, he's got his shirt off."
Me and Beth: "There's a reason for that!"
Beth (to me): "Didn't you just love when he was walking down the beach in that one where he was . . ."
Me: "Sssshhhhhh! Don't give it away!"
Beth: "Oh yeah!"
BFF: "What?"
Me: "Nothing."
Mick watches Beth walk through the fountain.
BFF: “Who’s that?”
Me: “Beth.”
Beth: “Huh?”
Me: “Nothing.”
BFF: “Who’s Beth?”
Me: “Well, she’s, uh . . .”
BFF: “The girlfriend?”
Beth: “Well, uh, it’s . . . uh . . .”
Me: “Just watch, will you?”
Beth: “Oh my God! Blue jeans, white striped shirt, cream jacket!! Of course!”
BFF: “What?”
Me: “Nothing. It’s something that happens later.”
Beth: “Yeah, MUCH later.”
Mick walks into Josef's house.
BFF: "Who is that?"
Me: "That's Josef. That's Mick's best friend."
BFF: "He looks like a kid, all cute and innocent."
Me: "He's anything but."
Freshie approaches Josef.
BFF: "So does he, like, bite her?"
Me: "Shut up and watch."
BFF: "Is she a vampire, too?"
Me: "Honestly. Didn't you read any Anne Rice?"
BFF: "No! I'm a Danielle Steele girl."
Me: "She's a human."
BFF: "And she lets him do that? Ooooh, she obviously enjoys it."
Beth: "Yeah. She's a freshie."
BFF: "A what?"
Beth: "A freshie. They let vamps feed from them."
BFF: "In exchange for what? Is that all they do? Provide food?"
Me: "Depends. They're like high-priced call girls without the sex."
Beth: “Well, sometimes with the sex.”
BFF: "So do the vampires have sex with them?"
Me: (realizing I might be confusing fanfiction with the show) "Maybe. Depends."
BFF: "Does Mick have sex with them?"
Me: "Mick doesn't even feed from them."
BFF: "Why not?"
Me: "Uh, long story. You’ll have to see more episodes."
Josef bites the freshie.
BFF: “Ooooh! That eye thing! That’s sexy!”
Beth and Me: “Yeah!”
BFF: “Is that what happens when they, you know, bite?”
Beth: “Yeah.”
BFF: “I’m beginning to see why you like this show . . .”
Mick visits the morgue.
BFF: "So he gets his blood from the morgue--from that Julio guy?"
Me: "Guillermo."
BFF: "Whatever. But Mick doesn't have--what are they--freshies? Are they paid?"
Me: "Yeah."
BFF: "Where do I sign up for that?"
Beth and Me: "You and me both!"
BFF: "But why does't Mick have freshies?"
Beth: "Could we PLEASE not go into this now?"
Me: "You learn more about how Mick feeds in Episode 3."
BFF: "But we're not WATCHING episode 3 today."
Me: "Tough."
BFF: "Can he fly?"
Me: "They talk about that in Episode 3, too."
BFF: "BUT WE'RE NOT WATCHING EPISODE 3 TODAY!"
Beth: “Actually, they went over that in the interview, but YOU WEREN’T LISTENING!”
Mick inhales the body in the morgue.
BFF: “Whoa! What was that?”
Beth: “That’s the vampire smelling thing he does.”
BFF: “That’s sexy! Back that up. I wanna see that again.”
Beth's mother clings to Mick in 1985.
BFF: "Oh, I get it. Beth is the little girl in the photograph."
Beth: "How'd you figure that out so fast?"
BFF: "I'm good at that. I figured out who did it in that last Elizabeth George novel you gave me only about 100 pages in."
Beth: “Will you shut up!”
BFF: “Ooooh! That inhaling thing again! Does he do that a lot?”
Beth: “Not enough.”
Beth breaks the vase over Mick’s head.
BFF: "What's her name?"
Me: "Beth, remember?"
Beth: "Huh?"
Me (to Beth): "No, not you; the Beth in the show."
BFF: "No, I know her name is Beth on the show; what's her real name?"
Me: "Soph-eye-uh Myles."
BFF: "Oh. How pretentious. Soph-eye-uh."
Me: "She's English. You know, like Mar-eye-uh."
Beth: "WILL YOU SHUT UP!"
BFF: "Can Mick control when he changes?"
Me: "It's called 'vamping out.'"
BFF: "Does he do that eye thing?”
Beth: “Oh, yeah . . .”
BFF: “Can he control it? When he ‘vamps out?’"
Me: "Mostly."
BFF: "Mostly?"
Me: "Well, yeah. There are the 'four F's.'"
BFF: "What are they?"
Beth: "Could you all PLEASE shut up? I'm trying to watch this. Why have I never seen this episode?"
Me: "Fight, flight, feed, and, well, you know."
BFF: "So vampires do have sex."
Me and Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Didn't we go over that?"
BFF: "Has he?"
Me: "Has who?"
BFF: "Mick. Has he had sex?"
Me: "You mean ever?"
BFF: "No, dummy, on the show."
Me: "Well, no. Not yet."
BFF: "But it's coming, so to speak."
Me: "Maybe."
BFF: "So can he eat anything but blood?"
Me: “We went over that!”
BFF: “You said he doesn’t eat anything but blood. But can he?”
Me: "Well, yes, but it doesn't taste. They go into that in . . ."
BFF: "Don't tell me. Episode 3."
Beth: "Shut UP! This is important here!"
Josef is in Mick's apartment.
BFF: "Wow! What a great apartment! I want that apartment!"
Me: "Get in line."
BFF: "Ooohh. Josef isn't all sweet and innocent, is he?"
Me: "Now you're getting it."
Mick saves Little Girl Beth from Coraline in 1985.
BFF: "So that's the ex-wife? She's beautiful. Ooooh. She's dead."
Beth and I just look at each other.
Mick brings Beth back to his apartment after saving her from the graduate student.
BFF (to Mick): "Well honey, I don't think that shirts is quite tight enough. You should wear those shirts just a little tighter, don't you think?"
The hug.
Me: "That's where they had me. Right there."
Beth: "They had me in the bathtub."
BFF: "What bathtub?"
Me: "Oh, it's in Episode --"
BFF: "Don't tell me--Three!"
Beth: "Actually, it's Episode 4. Why have I never seen this episode?"
BFF: "He has man boobs."
Me and Beth: "NO HE DOESN'T!!"
BFF: "He's cute, but he does have man boobs."
to be continued
) but I sat with her to watch Fever and the conversation was so funny. She loved Mick and Moonlight after Fever 
