Rated: PG
A/N: Thank you PNWgal for looking it over for me!
Guilt Trip (Turn Challenge #160)
The noise startled Beth awake, but when she tried to lift her head she yelped in pain. She immediately lay still, closing her eyes again as she took a deep breath to calm down and start over. Slowly opening her eyes she was surprised to see her living room - not her bedroom. I must have fallen asleep in the chair; now I’m all stiff with a crick in my neck. She tried moving again, gradually this time. She raised her head and shoulders and began to unfold her legs when she spotted the photo album on the floor that had fallen out of her hand and woken her up.
Josh’s smiling face stared up at her accusingly and it all came rushing back. Overwhelmed, she curled herself back up into a ball on the chair and even held her breath, waiting as the grief washed over her like a wave.
When at last she inhaled and opened her eyes once more, she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. Turning to look across the room she saw the translucent figure of Mick standing by the window.
“Beth, I know you’re angry that I didn’t turn Josh, but I didn’t kill him. YOU killed him.”
“NooooooOOOOO!” She flew out of the chair, arms outstretched, stumbling as her numb legs buckled beneath her, until she reached the spot where Mick had stood. She whirled around frantically, looking to see where he had gone. The only movement was the curtains softly billowing on the early morning breeze. She slammed the sliding door shut and yanked the curtains closed, blocking out the first rays of the dawn light. And then she collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
She had no idea how long she had been laying there – a few minutes? An hour? With effort, she pushed herself up onto her hands and knees and then finally stood up. Every muscle ached. She walked into the bathroom, flipped on the switch and looked in the mirror. She barely recognized her reflection.
And I thought Mick was a ghost… but I’M the ghost! I’m so pale; my eyes are red and puffy and there are huge dark circles under them. My make-up is in ruins. And I can’t even remember the last time I ate something. I look like hell.
She popped a couple of aspirins for the aches and turned on the shower to let the water get hot while she undressed. Standing under the hot spray, she let the warmth soothe her muscles. She inhaled the scent of her lavender body wash and shampoo, hoping it would help calm her. Though she tried to keep her mind empty, the events of the past hours - and even weeks – rushed and tumbled into her thoughts.
“You can save him. Turn him! He’ll live!”
“If you’d have done it, he’d still be here.”
“You’ll see things when I’m gone. Why don’t you take a vampire wife?”
“If you hate what you are so much then why do you go on living?”
“This isn’t working. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have feelings for him.”
“He tried to turn her. She’s stuck somewhere in between.”
“Would you have turned me?”
“I would have done the same thing.”
“I found my guardian angel.”
“Stay away from me.”
“You have to finish this case. It’s the right thing to do.”
“I love you when you’re crusading.”
“It’s an hour after you were supposed to meet me.”
She slid down the wall onto the shower floor as the tears she thought were spent began to fall again.
Guilt. That’s what it was, guilt. Guilt for not loving Josh like she should have; like he wanted her to. For weeks she had been thinking about calling it quits with Josh, realizing she was falling for Mick, but she hadn’t worked up the courage. Then when she saw what had happened to Sarah Whitley in a turning gone wrong, she started having second thoughts. The exciting and what she saw as the glamour of the vampire life gave way to the difficult, dangerous and complicated Mick kept telling her it was. Now she knew she had to believe him.
Guilt. “You’ll see things when I’m gone.” Oh, God! Did she really say that to him? How uncaring could I be? She was pretty sure that Mick had developed feelings for her, and there she was, throwing her mortality into his face.
Guilt. Had she really asked Mick to turn Josh into a vampire? How could I? He wouldn’t have wanted that. I wouldn’t have wanted that. Eternal Josh, with Mick as his sire? What was I thinking?
She wasn’t thinking; that was just it. She just wanted more time. Time to explain her true feelings to Josh. Time to let him down easy.
Guilt. She convinced Josh to continue with the case; that it was the right thing to do. And because he didn’t step down, he was kidnapped and shot. Guilt for causing him so much pain. Guilt as he lay there on the cold ground, dying.
Oh, God, Mick was right. I did kill Josh! Just as if I had pulled the trigger myself!
That realization sent a chill right through her. Or maybe it was that the water had turned cool; she had been in the shower so long she had run out of hot water. Turning the taps off, she wrapped herself up in a large fluffy towel and combed and dried her hair. She went to her bedroom and slipped between the clean, crisp sheets, remembering how making up the bed had given her an excuse to eavesdrop on Mick and Josh talking in the next room. She smiled to herself. A weak smile to be sure, but the first she had allowed since Josh’s abduction.
She was emotionally drained. Rolling over, she hoped sleep would come. But it was not to be. Not yet.
“Would you have turned me?”
“I would have done the same thing.”
What had she expected him to say? What had she wanted him to say? That he loved her enough to save her by turning her into a vampire? Was that what she really wanted? Or did she just want him to say he loved her?
I should never have asked Mick to turn Josh into a vampire. He wouldn’t have wanted that. And it was terribly unfair of me to ask Mick if he would have turned me. Overwhelmed by the guilt, the regrets, and the grief, she consoled herself with one last thought before drifting into oblivion.
Tomorrow I’ll go see Mick after giving my statement at the police station. And I’ll apologize.
The End
Bless Beth, she may be thoughtless and say the wrong thing sometimes, but she is honest and smart, and she faces her demons. And she is brave enough to admit when she has been wrong, and to move forward. This is a wonderful look into her struggle with herself. 
