A Year-Long Love Letter (PG-13) - complete 7/5

[allegrita]

Red, I didn't comment on the most recent two letters yet--my apologies.

Day 33--Mick pours his anger and frustration out onto the page here. I love that he's written and rewritten this letter, because it shows his torment over having reached the decision he's made. He sees it in a way as a step back toward the monster. But it's not--he's right. He's protecting his family. And the irony of seeing that his enemies look like nice people must be horrifying to him. He fears to reveal this to Beth, even in a letter that she may never see, but these letters are a great way for him to talk about those "unspeakable" things. And Beth will understand...maybe better than he knows at this point.

Day 34--Mick moved from suppressed fury and frustration, to despair at the magnitude of his foes, to anguished joy when he saw Beth on TV. And he went home and wrote her that letter. But this letter made me think more of Beth than of Mick. What thoughts must have gone through Beth's mind when she read it... knowing that awful feeling he'd had when he thought he'd forgotten the sound of her voice, pain at the thought of him enduring such despair, jealousy of him, even--because he got to see her on TV, when she had no way to see or hear him while they were separated.

These letters make me sigh, happy and sad sighs. They're perfect illustrations of your story.

[redwinter101]

Thanks, alle. I think that by this stage, Mick's hitting his stride with the letters, using them almost as a crutch to get everything out there, to stop it all driving him crazy. In my mind, the day 33 letter went through multiple re-writes; the idea of shattering Beth's illusions would have been so hard for Mick, I think, even though he knew they weren't accurate. I agree with you that this would have been much easier for Beth to accept than Mick feared.

The scene with Mick seeing Beth on TV was one of my favourites, and I love your sad and happy sighs...

Red

[redwinter101]

This takes place between chapters 7 and 8

Day 47



Beth,

Josef's grand plan continues to play out. Trust me, it's not nearly exciting as it sounds and mostly involves me sitting in cars, lurking on street corners, watching, photographing, recording. The faces and names have started to blur - they're all so normal, on the outside, unremarkable. I'd pass them on the street without a second glance but they are the men and women who I, we, must find a way to destroy.

Josef tries to hide it from me, maybe he even hides it from himself, but part of him is enjoying this - marshalling his troops, issuing instructions, being in command. He thinks we've all grown soft, especially those of us who've never lived through the carnage and persecution he's witnessed. He's relishing the battle of wills, much as he wishes there was someone's life on the line other than mine and yours.

He keeps giving me leads to track down - wives, mothers, families, the kind of people I usually protect, fight for not against. He's testing me and he's making a point. He's all in, 100%, he'll do whatever needs to be done - for me - and he wants to make sure I'll hold my nerve, that I'm as prepared as he is to do whatever it takes, that I won't buckle at the last moment.

I won't. I know that. I need you to know it too. I'll do whatever I have to.

But it's not all work. Whatever you said to him about taking care of me, well, he took you seriously, to the point where he's starting to bug me a bit. I appreciate his concern but if he doesn't stop checking up on me (usually disguised as "checking in") he and I are going to have words. He needs to back off, trust that I know what I'm doing, that I'm not falling apart. Of course we're both playing our own games, firming up the bravado, because there is a little piece of me that crumbles at every thought of you. But I can't let Josef see that. That's mine.

Mick

[redwinter101]

This takes place between chapters 7 and 8

Day 75



Hey,

It's late and I'm beat. Another long day and I struggled to keep focused on what I was doing. I kept drifting, my mind wandering - it's not like me. When I'm working, I'm on it, you know? In control. But not today. I need to do better or else I'm going to screw up and miss something important.

I miss you, that's all. I just miss you. I guess I thought that the rules weren't really the rules, that we'd find some way round them and I'd know how you are and what you're doing. That's all I've been thinking all day - how are you? Are you doing okay? Are you safe? I keep checking the news channels, hoping to catch another report, but nothing. What if something happens and I'm not there to help, to protect you? It's stupid. I trust Josef and I know he'd never let that happen. But it doesn't stop me worrying.

I guess it's just getting to me - the silence. I wasn't ready for it and every time I walk through the door it hits me like a wall. In the silence, all I can hear is myself and that scares me.

I miss your sound, your noise, your laugh. The rhythm of Beth. The sound of our life together.

I'm so tired, I'm just rambling now, so I'm going to get some rest.

I love you.

M

[mitzie]

Mick is on such a rollercoaster of emotions I'm glad Josef is checking in on him!! Beautifully written, sounds so much like Mick I have to remind myself that he didn't actually write these himself!!!! I really love these letters and look forward to more...

mitzie

[Moonlighter]

Of course we're both playing our own games, firming up the bravado, because there is a little piece of me that crumbles at every thought of you. But I can't let Josef see that. That's mine.

Mick

Red, this just leaves me speechless. Without speech. You are incredible with Mick's inner feelings. Incredible.

And on Day 75 he's getting distracted just missing Beth. Again, speechless. Loved it. Love it all!! ya, Red!

[janicevictoria]

I love these insights into Mick's mind. They're so intimate and revealing, you can really feel the lonliness for Beth behind each sentence. Love them, Red!!

[lorig]

Just caught up with these. It is so beautiful to read the most intimate part of Mick. The mick that only he and Beth know. Well done again Red. I love these letters.

lori

[wpgrace]

Gah! God he is hanging on by a thread!

He keeps giving me leads to track down - wives, mothers, families, the kind of people I usually protect, fight for not against. He's testing me and he's making a point. He's all in, 100%, he'll do whatever needs to be done - for me - and he wants to make sure I'll hold my nerve, that I'm as prepared as he is to do whatever it takes, that I won't buckle at the last moment.

I won't. I know that. I need you to know it too. I'll do whatever I have to.

His whole sense of self, all those decades, of any worth, was being the do-gooder. Now all he's got is the avenger... and no Beth to keep him grounded. He is so struggling here, even as he tells her he's fine... this must have KILLED her to read...

I guess it's just getting to me - the silence. I wasn't ready for it and every time I walk through the door it hits me like a wall. In the silence, all I can hear is myself and that scares me.

Yeah... Mick's worst-case scenario... that torture chamber you once placed he and Josef in? Not as bad as this, for him. I feel for him... so do you, I know... oh MIck...

[redwinter101]

sounds so much like Mick I have to remind myself that he didn't actually write these himself!!!!

That's so lovely, mitzie. Thank you.

Moonlighter - speechless? Wow!! Thanks, honey.

jv and lori, I love that you both described these as intimate. That's precisely what I was hoping for - what I was trying to get across. Thank you both.

Grace, in forming these into some sort of postable order, I did think a lot about the scene with Beth reading the letters all in one sitting and what that would have been like. I think I was right to have her crying... This story was never really about the Legion - it was about the effect of loss on all three characters and I think Mick having to face another set of demons, to admit the reality of his darkness to himself and to Beth was one of the big impacts. Poor Mick. 'Cos you're right. I feel for him.

Red

[allegrita]

Oh, man... these are devastating. He's hanging on by sheer will. By his fingernails. He's having to completely redefine himself. And he can't let Josef in that last little way because if he does, he'll shatter.

Oh, Mick...

[seamus3333]

The letter for day 75 is brilliant...short sentences....terse....enough is enough...he's wound so tightly....he smugly believed they would find a way to connect... but nothing but silence ...he never realized silence could be so loud....

[MickLifeCrisis]

Just caught up with the latest few letters. I can hardly imagine Beth sitting and reading these all at once. Of course she cried!

I love all of them, Red, even if I get teary-eyed. Mick almost forgetting Beth's voice. And his coming home to the silence, night after night. Such powerful writing, and they all sound just like Mick. Thanks for doing these!

[coco]

Of course we're both playing our own games, firming up the bravado, because there is a little piece of me that crumbles at every thought of you. But I can't let Josef see that. That's mine.

Love this Red. Mick is barely hanging on. So many emotions and frustrations swirling around his head and no way to make them stop with the way things are at that moment in time.


Day 75 backs all this up for me. He just misses Beth. His life is incomplete without her and where once he would have been OK with the silence in his life now it just eats away at him. Beth has brought so much to his life and he is desperate to have it back.

I guess it's just getting to me - the silence. I wasn't ready for it and every time I walk through the door it hits me like a wall. In the silence, all I can hear is myself and that scares me.

I miss your sound, your noise, your laugh. The rhythm of Beth. The sound of our life together.

So very lovely Red and they are such a wonderful companion piece to Afterglow.

[francis]

These letters are really getting to me.
Great writing, red.