Absence --PG-13

[librarian_7]

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Spoilers: for No Such Thing As Vampires.

A/N: This was my contest entry for the East Coast Con, and I won first prize.

Absence

1985

Three days. It took three days for it to really kick in. The knowledge that she was gone, that she was out of my life forever.

Coraline was dead, and I’d killed her.

For thirty-five years she’d haunted me, turned the endless nights of my undead life into a curse. I’d thought about killing her. Almost every day since our wedding—since the night she killed me, I’d thought of returning the favor. In my wilder moments, I considered taking myself out with her, the two of us going down in a blaze of passion more fiery than any we’d shared in our nights together.

Sex with Coraline was always more like an attack we made on each other. The fangs came out, and the claws. I thought nothing in heaven or hell could compare to the fire between us when her nails shredded my skin over and over, and it healed as quickly as it was torn. As quickly as the wounds in her throat closed when I pulled out my fangs.

Maybe she thought about killing me, too. I guess I won’t know now.

So what was it that finally pushed me over the edge? It’s going to sound sentimental, but it was the look of trust and hope in a child’s blue eyes. Sure, I’d done a lot of terrible things since I was turned. I’d watched Coraline do as bad or worse, and never lifted a finger to stop her. But even a monster has that final line that can’t be crossed. And when she took that kid’s chin in her hands, and I could see the girl—she couldn’t have been more than four—look at me with complete trust, something broke.

Sometimes I hated Coraline, sometimes I loved her. But I could never picture a world without her. Not really. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Maybe so. But she’d finally found the something that got past that. Took it to a whole new level. And it had to be stopped.

So we had that last dance in the dark. Staggering, struggling, slashing at each other. Using every vampire trick we could. Coraline was nothing if not dangerous. And I didn’t want to make the mistake of underestimating her. With that little girl cowering in the corner, there was too much at stake.

I’d always liked kids, and the idea of turning one, making a child that would never grow up, it sickened me. It made me want to lash out. It made me want to destroy her. Utterly.

I only remember flashes of that fight. The lantern flickering. Coraline’s white dress. The child watching, scared, hiding her face. Coraline’s mouth covering mine. And the sick feel of the splintered wood sliding home into her heart. It was all so…familiar. I know I threw the lantern, I know I started the fire. But I can’t remember anything about that.

What I remember is that child, a warm weight in my arms, trusting her hero to carry her to safety. To carry her away from the horror of the fire. It was uncomfortable, having someone look at me like a hero. Unfamiliar, anyway.

So there it is. Coraline is dead, and I go on. Go on to what, I’m not sure. And I’d be lying if I said there’s not a part of me that’s going to miss her. Not just the physical part, the way my body always ached for hers during those times we were separated. The truth is, she is—she was—the only one who knew me, inside and out. I never had to lie to her, never had to pretend I was anything other than the monster I am. In fact, I never had to tell her anything at all. She already knew, even if she didn’t understand.

I took that little girl away from the horror, clinging to my neck for dear life all the way. Somehow the feel of it, those arms around me in all confidence, distracted me. Made me forget, for a few short moments, that pleading, hopeless look on Coraline’s face just before the fire rose and took her from me forever. Right then, it was a good thing, being reminded I had a job to do.

Once we got in the car, the child relaxed, laid her head down on the seat like she was perfectly safe, and went to sleep like the little angel she was. I covered her with my jacket, but she threw it off restlessly. I guess the smoke smell reminded her too much of the fire, of when the other monster had her. For me, it was like being human again for a few hours, driving down out of the mountains, watching her sleep. But that only lasted until the end of the night. Even carrying her up the steps to her mother’s house was like a taste of some other world, but it ended when I pried that little girl out of my arms and got her back where she belonged, with her mother. Handed her back to warmth and humanity and love.

I took the check Mrs. Turner gave me, but I don’t think I’ll ever cash it. Is it right to take blood money for something that feels like a stake through my own heart? For doing what any human would say was the right thing to do—destroy a monster and save a damsel in distress? For ripping out the last vestiges of love I’ll ever know and grinding the pieces into that dirty wooden floor? Beth Turner’s mother may have thought she could write a check that would cover that expense. I don’t think it’s possible.

It was the second night after the fire when my good buddy Josef came by, a pack of freshies trailing in his wake.

“You, my friend, are in serious need of a drink,” he said, snapping his fingers to signal them to line up and strike those willing poses that always make my fangs come out in a rush. It had occurred to me that I was starting to get thirsty, and I motioned to one of the freshies, a sweet little brunette named Cherry who had fed me before. For the thirty years I’ve known him, Josef has always managed to have the prettiest, tastiest, most accommodating girls I’ve ever run into on tap, as it were. Cynic that he is, he says it’s just his money that attracts them, or the rush they get from the fangs, but I’ve watched more than a few of them as they watch him, and it’s not dollar signs I see in their eyes. Not always.

Anyway, Cherry came over to me and slipped into my lap the way I always liked it, and prepared to give it up to me, just that easily. But when she looked in my face and smiled, suddenly I didn’t see brown hair and eyes in a grown-up face. I saw blue eyes and baby-fine blonde hair.

“Cherry,” I asked her, “does your mother know what you do?”

She giggled. “Yeah,” she said, “Mom knew Josef back when she was my age. She introduced us. He’s always asking me to say hi to Granny, too.”

She almost fell on the floor when I stood up and dumped her out of my lap. That was right before I told Josef to take his freshies and get out.

I don’t know that I’ll be able to bite a human like that again, willing or not. Not without thinking, this is someone’s daughter, this was someone’s precious child.

But Josef was probably right when he told me before he left, that I’d better find something to fill the gap. Something to close up that hole in my heart shaped like Coraline.

So here I am, in the shadows, watching Mrs. Turner’s house. It’s late, and although there are still lights on in the kitchen and the living room, the windows of the child’s bedroom are dark. I hope she’s sleeping, I hope she’s not afraid of any monsters lurking out here in the darkness. She really doesn’t need to worry.

Because I’ve decided. I’m going to be here, watching, just out of sight. Keeping an eye on her while she grows up, safe. When Coraline stole that girl, in her own twisted way she did it for me. So it’s my responsibility now. And even if Coraline’s gone, there are other monsters out there waiting.

Not me, though. Killing Coraline, rescuing that girl, showed me once and for all where the line was drawn. Even a monster has a final line that can’t be crossed. Because what’s on the other side is the darkness within. And even a monster can be afraid of the dark.

[Josefismysire]

You have such keen insight into these characters, Lucky. Another brilliant story. *applause*

[darkstarrising]

Lucky,

I love this story...it's a wonderful look through Mick's eyes as the impact of Coraline's death hits him...

Sometimes I hated Coraline, sometimes I loved her. But I could never picture a world without her. Not really. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Maybe so. But she’d finally found the something that got past that. Took it to a whole new level. And it had to be stopped.

This says it all, how he saw the love/hate relationship bind him to her...yet with the act of stealing a child, Mick found the strength to free himself.

[Fleur de Lisa]

So, I am obviously making myself at home in your office, re-reading so many of your wonderful pieces.
This one is a winner--most deservedly so. Your prose is remarkable. The love/hate dynamic between him and Cora--and how his being appalled at the lengths she would go to finally won out. And that final act is what allowed him to eventually welcome real love back in, and free Mick of how he saw himself. Gorgeous.

[librarian_7]

JIMS, DSR, Lisa...I'm way too slow in responding to your comments (partially because it always seems vaguely egotistical to bump my own stuff!), but I do appreciate them greatly.

So happy to see people reading this, and responding to it so positively!

Lucky

[Josefismysire]

Oh honey..bump away. You more than deserve it!!

[Fleur de Lisa]

Yeah, I read this again, too. So sue me!

That last paragraph is perfection. This entire story haunts me----this Mick just breaks my heart in so many ways. He is trying so damn hard to be the kind of man he wants to be. And will be.

[wpgrace]

Oh I am so glad that Lilly drew our attention to this one again! I do love this one, Lucky! And for Josef's most visible spokeswoman, you so get Mick here...

Sometimes I hated Coraline, sometimes I loved her. But I could never picture a world without her. Not really. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Maybe so. But she’d finally found the something that got past that. Took it to a whole new level. And it had to be stopped.

I think that marriage was probably like that for Mick... nights when he loved her; nights when he hated her... but never able to break away until now...

So we had that last dance in the dark. Staggering, struggling, slashing at each other. Using every vampire trick we could. Coraline was nothing if not dangerous. And I didn’t want to make the mistake of underestimating her. With that little girl cowering in the corner, there was too much at stake.

And yes, it would be hard to turn your back on Cora... he probably had done in the past and thus lost that round... but THIS round he could not risk losing...

So there it is. Coraline is dead, and I go on. Go on to what, I’m not sure. And I’d be lying if I said there’s not a part of me that’s going to miss her. Not just the physical part, the way my body always ached for hers during those times we were separated. The truth is, she is—she was—the only one who knew me, inside and out. I never had to lie to her, never had to pretend I was anything other than the monster I am. In fact, I never had to tell her anything at all. She already knew, even if she didn’t understand.

And this is the saddest part for him... she DID know him, and accepted him and loved him, for all that he was. And I don't think SHE ever thought of Mick as a monster... That is the good part about Cora... but she never really understood him, nonetheless. Never understood HIS self-image as a monster. Never understood how to take that away. That he needed someone to take that away. That had to feel lonely for Mick.

Great one, Lucky... no surprise it won the prize!

[coco]

Again, so pleased to see this in active topics.

You've certainly found Mick's voice in this Lucky. This exploration of all things Mick is just wonderful.

Not me, though. Killing Coraline, rescuing that girl, showed me once and for all where the line was drawn. Even a monster has a final line that can’t be crossed. Because what’s on the other side is the darkness within. And even a monster can be afraid of the dark.

[tucutecats]

great story, I can see why you won first prize,

[Moonlighter]

I liked your take on Mick working through his demons. Very nice.

[allegrita]

Thank you once again, Moonlighter, for bumping up a wonderful older story! I read this a million years ago, but it's great to be reminded of how great it is. Lucky, this story deserved to win, and it deserves to be read and re-read, for its insight into Mick. I love the way you have him remembering his relationship with Coraline--the good and the terrible. And I love the way Mick realized to his shock that he just couldn't drink fresh anymore--not even from a willing donor. Every freshie is a reminder of what Coraline might have done, all for love of Mick. And every one haunts him with memories of Beth's little, trusting face. And that last line is just perfect. There are different darks...

I love your Mick--and I love the way that Josef is such a vital part of this story, even though he's only incidental to it. It echoes the way Josef's personality imbued Moonlight, even though he wasn't in it nearly enough.

[jen]

Lucky

This is wonderful. Fabulous insight into Mick's mind and what a oivotal moment it was when he elected to turn his back on the monster inside. Beth didn't do anything but be present at this monumetal event and be a trusting four year old child. Mick made the choice all on his own.

[librarian_7]

Well, you know Mick is all about choice...and his anger at the loss of choice when Coraline turned him. So it seems natural that in the course of his existence, he would choose certain paths.

Thanks for the comment, jen!

Lucky

[jen]

Wonderful!

Especially loved the last bit

Even a monster has a final line that can’t be crossed. Because what’s on the other side is the darkness within. And even a monster can be afraid of the dark.

''