SB 13 - Sleeping (Josef's POV) (PG-13)

[francis]

When I woke up it was just sunset outside. The drapes were closed all the time, of course, for Sarah, but I still always knew when dawn came and when the sun set.
I slipped back into my shoes and after a smiling glance at Sarah’s eternally young face I left the room to look for Polly. She was in the kitchen, preparing herself a sandwich.
„Good evening, sir. How can I help you?“
„I need to have dinner, and then I will retire to my room for an hour or so. When will Gracie come?“
„She is due in an hour, sir. I’ll check on Sarah. There is fresh blood in the fridge, sir.“
I nodded a thanks and took the bottle out. Sarah was on bottled blood, of course, but they kept some extra for me in case I dropped by. I used to be here more often, but lately it had been less than once a month. I still loved Sarah, but maybe I got bored with the situation after 50 years. I guess part of me wanted to move on, and part of me felt guilty for wanting that. Well, I wasn’t made for carrying regrets, so I would need to make a decision sooner or later, about what I wanted and what was best for Sarah.

My mind was rested, but my body needed an hour in subzero conditions, so I emptied the bottle and left for the room in the back that contained my freezer. Sarah was stuck half way between human and vampire, which meant that she was breathing and slept in a bed, but she had no regular heartbeat, couldn’t tolerate much sunlight and was living on blood. I had searched high and low for an explanation, or even a precedent, but there was none. Sarah was unique.

I stepped out of my clothes and laid down in the comfortable cold of the freezer. It felt good to be out of Mick’s not really fitting trousers and shirt, I had worn them for over a day now. I chilled for an hour, then dressed in my own clothes that I kept here and went to the kitchen for another snack. I wouldn’t bring freshies here, ever, but the cold stored grub was getting on my nerves. Maybe I could go out tonight.
Gracie was sitting at Sarah’s bed when I entered, reading a book. I asked her to leave for a while, and silently as always she obeyed.

I sat on the bed next to Sarah and took her hand in mine. She wasn’t as cold as me, but cooler than humans normally are. Suddenly I sobbed. I didn’t mean to, but life had been stressful the last days and I needed some sort of outlet. Sarah would be the only one to see me like that. I had lost my home in L.A., all my contacts and all the willing freshies that I cherished and protected. I had lost my best friend Mick. It hurt a lot. I had lied to him, by omission, not only about Sarah but about lots of things. Now he would never trust me again. I just hoped he wouldn’t do something stupid now that I wasn’t there to keep him in line.

I whispered to Sarah about our time together in New York, about how I fell in love with her, how I turned her and how devastated I was when it went wrong. About my failure to find help. About setting up this house that I had intended to be our home for the time until she adjusted to the vampire world. About how I fled to L.A. because I couldn’t stand the loneliness of caring for her, and couldn’t bring myself to go back to my usual hedonistic lifestyle when Sarah was lying there unmoving and silent. I told her that I was sorry about how I compartimentalized my life and kept only a small part for her. We had only memories now.
It would be different if she were awake. My life would revolve around hers then. We would do things together, talk about stuff. She would have stories to contribute, her own thoughts and opinions. It would be vastly different from this, where she was only the mirror I threw my unguarded image against.

I began to feel restless. I had slept more than I was used to, and my quota on insightful pondering in Sarah’s presence was met for today. So I kissed Sarah’s forehead and took off for a night on the town. I walked to the shore and looked at Manhattan over the river. Turning briskly I called a limo service to bring me there. This time I remembered to use my new name.

People were milling through the streets in the same hurry they always seemed to be in. Humans had so little time, and wasted so much of it for petty things like food and work and growing children and being sick and getting old. On the other hand, life could get really boring and empty if you didn’t find something or someone to live for every decade or so. For the last 50 years I had Sarah, or better she had me. I felt stifled all of a sudden. There was no growth in our relationship, no development, no movement at all. We didn’t argue and make up, we didn’t change locations together and get used to new places and acquaintances. We didn’t buy things and get rid of things together. We never talked about anything with each other. I lived my life as if she didn’t exist, just visiting like one visits a gravesite. Hell, it was almost as if I was a widower. She was dead to the world, just not to me. I was the only connection she had left. She sure had wanted more for her life, deserved more than this.
What if she was sleeping and didn’t hear anything I told her over the years?
What if she was conscious and could hear everything I told her, just couldn’t express herself?
What if she was in pain and couldn’t tell?
What if she didn’t want this, wanted out?
What if she was afraid that I would leave her?
What if she wanted me to leave her alone?
I just couldn’t know. This limbo would last forever. I didn’t even have the secure knowledge that she would grow old and die one day. And I wasn’t sure anymore if this was a blessing or a curse.

I left the limo near Broadway and told them to fetch me around 5 am. I walked aimlessly, watching the announcements of shows and movies, wondering which one would be worth my time, remembering entertainment I had watched here in the past 80 years. Josefine Baker, now that was a sight I wouldn’t forget. And her blood had been delicious.

Suddenly I realized that I had taken the course to Whitley’s house. I decided to pay him a visit, just watch him from across the street. I didn’t want to kill him. By what I heard, leaving him alive to slowly suffocate to death would be a much better revenge than killing him swiftly. He didn’t have the same courtiousness, but he had a just cause. From what he knew I killed Sarah. I just wondered how he found me. Suddenly I had one of this clear „Duh!“ moments. The Hearst College, of course. Gut gemacht, Heinrich Joseph Karl von Falckenstein, as my father would say in that condescending and sarcastic tone he used when I f*cked up. He never used my full name except for that times. Well, now I had Mick for ripping me a new one, except that he didn’t know my real name. I had forgotten it myself in the swirl of aliases I had used over the centuries.

When I reached Whitley’s house I saw a dark figure looming in a dark corner across the street. I smiled. Mick was here, alone. I hesitated between greeting him by patting him on the back, and staying away. I decided for the latter. Of course, he was searching for me. Maybe he would ask Whitley about what he knew. Mick could do that, I couldn’t. So I wouldn’t interfere and hoped that he would find me on his own. He was good at his job. Maybe the credit card trail would be good for something.

I watched him from afar, carefully hidden and downwind. He was a good friend. The best I have had since 1839 or so. Maybe I shouldn’t relocate. I could try to make it work, find some explanation for the police, stay away from the public eye as much as possible and fake another death 10 years or so from now. Philadelphia could wait.

What was it with Mick and Beth anyway? They had this carefully guarded relationship, both neither denying the attraction nor acting on it. Beth still kept her bland ADA boyfriend on a long leash, not letting go, not moving forward. Mick kept her on arm’s length and hoped the problem he had with trust and commitment would just go away on its own. Somehow, their relationship was in limbo just like mine. I just wished him better. Beth would be good for him, but would he be good for a relationship? Coraline had hurt him deeply, and he was way too uptight to just go for it. If he let go, he would be a force to be reckoned with. Would Beth be able to take it?

The rest of the night I planned to spend at a vampire club I was a member of. I decided to leave Mick to his thougths, I had had enough of that for now. A night on the town, some drinks fresh from the vein, music, pool, some light conversation with the locals, it was going to be fun.

[mitzie]

Great chapter!

Off to read more!

mitzie

[Fleur de Lisa]

My heart broke a little for Josef. You portray him so well here, in a way we don't often get to see him: as vunerable.

Lovely job.

[moonshine]

Hi!
I was gone for too long and I realize how I really missed this fiction!
This chapter is really sad. I'm sad for Josef who suffers for Sarah and sees at the same time how spesial Mick's and Beth's relationship is. Very nice written!!

[jen]

Lovely. So very true,

And how very human, Oops. Josef would not like that.

Thank you for posting this treasure. Off to read more!

[maggatha3]

Vulnerable Josef is hard to imagine...must be hard to write too. So much hidden in that vampire's undead heart!! I am so glad that his thought of Mick brought him to think of not relocating..yet. Their relationships with the women of their hearts may be in limbo..but their friendship is powerful.

Whaaat? Josefine Baker too?