Special Effects (or, Can't Take Josef Anywhere) PG

[NocturneInCMoll]

Author's note: This was my first fanfic ever—that I posted, anyway. Hopefully there are no mistakes, because I didn't use a beta. If you catch one or more mistakes, please let me know, or I'll be mortified. This story is a bit of silliness, just for fun. It doesn't need a summary, because its premise will be obvious in the first short section.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.



Special Effects (or, Can’t Take Josef Anywhere)

Josef watched his friend pace back and forth, an amused smirk on his face. Mick had called him over to his place, obviously needing to talk about something—something that had him extremely agitated.

Finally, Mick stopped, threw his hands up, and sighed.

“Beth invited me to her and Josh’s Halloween party.”

Josef spit out a mouthful of blood-laced scotch. “W-what?” he chuckled.

Mick just shook his head and growled in irritation. “She thinks it would be really funny if I came ‘dressed up’ as a vampire.” He started pacing again.

“So, is this your way of saying you want to borrow an authentic 16th century cape? I have a couple—worn by Dracula himself.”

Mick stopped abruptly and raised an eyebrow. “Really??” He said incredulously, then shook his head and waved him off. “No, I mean, this is crazy! I can’t go to a party all vamped-out!”

“Mick, haven’t you heard the expression, ‘hiding in plain sight’? In this golden age of special effects, no one will think we’re actually vampires! Halloween is the perfect disguise. We can go out into the mortal world as ourselves and they’ll be none the wiser. They might even award us Best Costumes!” And if they don’t, I’ll eat them.

“I guess…” Mick sighed. “If you, Mr. Paranoid, of all vampires think it’s okay, then—wait a minute,” his eyes narrowed suspiciously, “what do you mean, we?!”

***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

“I still can’t believe you called Beth and invited yourself to her party after I told you it wasn’t a good idea,” Mick muttered as Josef finished parking the Ferrari. They got out of the car and started walking across the street to Josh’s apartment building.

Josef smirked and raised an eyebrow at him. “Really? Well, that’s interesting, because Beth said she had told you to invite me.”

“Oh…she did?” Mick said casually, not looking at his friend, as he pressed the buzzer.

Josef continued his interrogation once they were let into the building and riding up to the third floor in the elevator.

“So, you were never going to invite me to the party, despite the hostess expressly telling you to?”

“Well, Josef, I really didn’t think you’d be interested in a human party. You’re always complaining about how ridiculous humans are, and it’s not like you can eat or drink anything they have.”

“That’s why we ate beforehand! Now we can just have a good time playing nicely with the little mortals.” He rubbed his hands together.

Mick stopped and waved a finger in Josef’s face. “Just remember, Josef—don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Well, that blows my evening,” Josef turned away and muttered to himself, knowing full well Mick could hear him. Louder, he said, “Look, Dad, relax. If either of us were going to blow it, it’d be you. You know how paranoid I am about our secret coming out. Trust me, this is the one night we can look like ourselves and not be afraid of exposure.”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Mick said, “I’ll just try and be myself.”

“Mick, you can’t go to a costume party as a self-loathing vampire. That’s just stupid.”

Mick glared at him. “Yeah, whatever. You know what I meant.”

The elevator dinged, effectively ending their conversation.

As they stood outside Josh’s apartment, waiting to be let in, Josef drew his cape across his face and said to Mick in a thick accent, “I vant—to suck—your blood!”

“Please tell me you’re not going to be a walking cliché all night.”

“Ooh, maybe I should have come as that instead!” Josef appeared to ponder that seriously for a moment and shook his head. “Nah. Been done.”

They heard footsteps approaching inside the apartment and then Josh opened the door. “Hey—ahhh!” he jumped back. “Wow,” he breathed sharply, taking in their pale faces, white irises, and sharp fangs. “Geez, you guys look scary!”

Josef’s snarled a little, proudly displaying his fangs. Mick groaned inwardly. “Hey, uh, Josh—this is my buddy, Josef. Josef, this is Beth’s boyfriend, Josh.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” Josef stuck out his hand to shake Josh’s.

“You too. Oh! your hands are really cold,” Josh said, surprised.

“Poor circulation.” Josef shrugged. He looked Josh up and down and cocked an eyebrow. “So…you’re a…zombie?” He exchanged a glance with Mick. “Interesting. Shouldn’t you be carrying your own arm, or something?”

Josh smiled awkwardly. “What can I say, I guess my costume guy isn’t that good. Anyway, come on in.” He stepped back and allowed them into his apartment.

“Thanks,” Mick smiled at him.

“Mick! Josef!” Beth came up, grinning happily. “Glad you could make it. Love the vampire costumes! I knew you guys would go all out,” she winked.

“Damsel-in-distress, how appropriate!” Josef smirked. Beth was wearing an old-fashioned dress and had herself tied to a foam replica of a piece of railroad tracks.

“Yeah, I thought Mick especially would get a kick out of it.”

“Uh, yeah…sort of,” Mick smiled weakly.

Beth smiled reassuringly at him. “Don’t worry, I can hardly be in any danger tonight—”

Josef loomed suddenly over her, staring at her intensely. “I vant—to suck—your blood!”

Beth eyed Josef warily, knowing he probably wasn’t kidding. “Maybe I spoke too soon.”

“It’s things like that, Josef,” Mick hissed in his ear.

Beth looked at the vampires inquiringly, then shrugged it off. “Oh, Mick, before I forget, I wanted to ask your opinion about a case I’m working on. Can we talk in the kitchen for a minute?” she asked.

“Sure thing,” Mick nodded and went to follow her. He slapped Josef on the arm, and said, “I’ll be back soon. I trust you can keep yourself entertained and out of trouble.”

“Naturally,” Josef flashed a fangy grin.

“Right,” Mick said dryly, nodding at Josh as he went to follow Beth to the kitchen. “We’ll be back soon.”

Josh and Josef were left to make awkward small talk.

“I can’t get over your and Mick’s costumes,” Josh said, shaking his head in amazement. “They’re really impressive.”

“Thank you,” Josef smirked.

“How did you get your eyes like that, special contacts?”

“Yup.”

Josh leaned in to get a closer look at Josef’s teeth.

“Those fake fangs look almost real!”

Josef shrugged. “Yeah, I know a guy in special effects.”

“I’ll say!” Josh exclaimed.

“They’re functional, too—would you care for a demonstration?”

Josef’s eyes narrowed as Josh just laughed at him and grabbed the arm of a passing friend who was dressed in bloody scrubs. “Hey, Mark, you have to check these out!”

He gestured between his friend and Josef. “Mark, this is Josef, a friend of Beth’s friend Mick. This is my buddy, Mark—he’s a dentist. Mark, you have to look at Josef’s fangs, they’re amazing.”

As Mark bent over, squinting at elongated canines. He poked a finger in the direction of Josef’s mouth, with the obvious intent of touching his dental work. “Do you mind?” He looked up at Josef and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Not if you don’t mind it being bitten off.”

Mark’s eyes widened in surprise and he backed off. “Fair enough,” he shrugged laughingly. “I hear that kind of thing a lot in my line of work.”

“I say that kind of thing a lot in my line of work.”

Both Mark’s and Josh’s brows shot up.

“Kidding!” Josef broke into a grin. Behind his back, he crossed his fingers.

The men smiled back. Mark excused himself to talk to another friend that had just arrived.

A girl in a pixie costume came up to them. “Great costume!” She exclaimed. “Can I take your picture with Josh?”

“That isn’t a digital camera, is it?” Josef inquired.

The pixie confirmed it was not.

“Then, no.” He shook his head. “I’m staying in character,” he said firmly as he shooed her away.

Josh shrugged apologetically at her and turned back to the vampire. “So, Josef, can I get you something to drink?” he asked.

“Sure, why not. Could I have a scotch—neat—with a shot of A-positive?” He grinned eagerly.

Josh laughed loudly and walked off to the bar.

“What? What’d I say?” Josef wondered to himself.

A couple minutes later, Josh returned and handed Josef a glass. Josef looked down at the suspiciously red-tinged liquid and raised an eyebrow.

“I added some food colouring for realism,” Josh winked. “Your costume is just too good to be ruined by a subpar prop.”

“Right…that’s great, thanks, Josh,” Josef said with a sardonic grin. Wow. Humans are dorks. He excused himself and stalked off to the kitchen to find his other host.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Beth,” Josef hissed.

Beth and Mick looked up from their conversation. Beth eyed him questioningly.

“Do you realize how incredibly obnoxious your boyfriend is? First, he calls his dentist buddy over to check out my fangs. Then, he offers me a drink. I ask for a scotch with an A-positive shooter, and he gives me hard liquor with FOOD COLOURING added—for realism,” Josef rolled his eyes.

Mick snickered.

“What did you expect, Josef?” Beth inquired, smiling. “We don’t exactly keep our fridge stocked with human blood—unlike some other people I know.”

“Do you think you could be a good little hostess and conveniently get a paper cut while holding your finger over my cup?” Josef grinned and held up his glass.

Mick glared at his friend. “No, Josef, she will not—”

Beth stopped him with a hand on his arm. “It’s okay, Mick, I don’t mind—special occasion, and I aim to be the consummate hostess. As long as he stays away from my neck, I think it’s kind of funny,” she giggled.

Mick rolled his eyes. “Beth. Are you kidding me? This is not a good—idea,” he finished lamely. Beth had already grabbed a paring knife and made a small cut in her index finger.

Josef inhaled sharply. “AO-negative! A true delicacy—very impressive, Miss Turner!” He licked his lips slowly and elbowed his friend. “Mick, what a juicy little secret you’ve been keeping!”

Mick just held a hand to his forehead and shook his head as Beth gently squeezed her cut over Josef’s glass.

After he had several drops to swirl around in his glass, Josef took Beth’s wrist and held her finger out to a still-appalled Mick. “You really need to lighten up, Mick. Can we perhaps interest you in a little liquid refreshment?” he smirked and continued suggestively, “I’m sure Beth wouldn’t mind if you didn’t even use a glass—”

“—What the hell is going on in here?!” Josh had walked into the kitchen just in time to see Josef holding up his girlfriend’s hand, which had a suspicious crimson streak on it, in Mick’s direction.

“Josh!” Beth gasped, panicking. “Um—”

“Just a little role-playing,” Josef responded quickly.

“Beth just cut her finger,” Mick broke in.

“And Mick’s a really good boo-boo fixer,” Josef added.

As if on cue, Mick pulled a Band-Aid out of his cape pocket and waved it around.

“—And oddly prepared,” Josef finished, with a look at Mick that said he’d be asking him later as to why a self-healing vampire was walking around with a Band-Aid.

Mick shrugged and went to guide Beth towards the sink with a hand on the small of her back.

“Josef, this is exactly why I don’t invite you to parties.” Mick hissed as they walked past.

“Really? I thought it was because you don’t go to parties,” Josef shot back.

Mick scowled at him before turning his attention back to Beth.

Josh leaned against the counter with crossed arms and watched suspiciously as Mick gently washed Beth’s wound under the faucet, then carefully dried it and applied the bandage.

“All done,” Mick said, looking at her with a slight upturn of his mouth.

Beth smiled back, looking into his eyes.

Josh cleared his throat.

“Told you he was a good boo-boo fixer,” Josef whispered to Josh, who then turned his frown on him. “What? He does the same for me, too,” he added quickly. “His dreamy eyes always make me feel better.” He pretended to swoon and saw Mick’s face twitching severely out of the corner of his eye.

Josh scowled and quickly went to put a possessive arm around Beth, while Mick excused himself sheepishly and stalked back over to Josef, dragging him off by the ear through the dining room and onto the balcony where they could speak alone.

“Not helping!” He hissed.

“Ow,” Josef complained, rubbing his ear. “Did you learn that move from my mother? Four hundred years later, that’s the one thing I remember about her.”

“No,” Mick glowered. “I learned that from my mother. And it’s quite obvious that any discipline your mother gave you didn’t work in the slightest!”

“After 400 years it’s reasonable that any effects may have worn off! But I guess that was a little awkward, huh,” Josef admitted unrepentantly.

Mick glared at him. “That,” he gestured emphatically toward the kitchen, “is all your fault!” He threw up his hands. “I can’t take you anywhere!”

Josef grinned and stuck his tongue out at his young friend.

Mick smacked himself in the forehead. “You know,” he groaned, “the older you get, the older I feel.”

“Well, my friend,” Josef replied jovially, clapping him on the shoulder, “that can easily be explained by the fact that as I get older, so do you.”

Mick clenched his jaw. “You know what I mean,” he growled through his teeth.

They both smelled the humans at the same time and turned to see Beth and Josh joining them on the balcony. They stepped apart and smiled innocently.

“Josh, Beth—great Halloween party. One of the best I’ve been to in years.” Josef gave them a grin and a thumbs-up. Josh returned his smile warily, his arm still possessively around Beth.

All of a sudden, Josef’s head whipped around and he flew to the balcony railing, looking at the street below.

“Hey!!! Those little punks are trying to steal my car!”

With a growl, he leapt onto the railing, then jumped off to the ground three storeys below. He was across the street in a split second, grabbing the first teen he came to and snarling into his face, then tossing him into the bushes like a rag doll.

Mick looked frantically between Josef, now laughing at another teen who was coming at him with a crowbar, and the two humans standing wide-eyed in the doorway of the balcony. Of course it didn’t matter what Beth had seen, but Josh…

Way to go, Mr. Paranoid—how do you expect to explain this to our host, the ADA? “Heh…” Mick shrugged sheepishly at Josh. Then, hearing Josef cursing as three more hoodlums came out of nowhere, he said, “Oh, to heck with it—too late now,” and jumped over the railing after his friend.

Josh ran to the railing, and stood there, mouth hanging open, as he watched Mick land in a crouch and race into the fray.

He turned, slack-jawed, to Beth, who was waiting nervously for his reaction.

“Do you think they’d tell me the name of the guy who did their costumes?!”

[moonlight_vixen]

I'm so glad you posted this one over here! I absolutely loved this funny little story. I always like to see Josef in his best snark mode

“And Mick’s a really good boo-boo fixer,” Josef added.

I laughed through this the first time, and was still laughing this time around

Great job!

[RangerCM]

This one is a rare little gem. It's one of my favorites too.

[NocturneInCMoll]

Shucks, thanks, MV & RCM!

[moonlight_vixen]

Shucks, thanks, MV & RCM!

Hey, thanks for posting it! If it's got Josef in it, you know I'm happy...

[wollstonecraft61]

Your Josef snark is A+++++! And you end a story with a great punch!!! I love this!!!

[NocturneInCMoll]

Gosh, thanks so much, Woll! This is such an oldie I did a double-take when I got the comment notification. Not that I'm complaining, of course! Glad you still enjoy it!

[mitzie]

Just had to read this one again!!!!


mitzie

[NocturneInCMoll]

Mitz, your responses are the best.

[bank1115]

OMG this was so funny. Your talent as a writer never ceases to amaze and delight me. Noone does Josef better imho. kays

[NocturneInCMoll]

Shucks, Barb! Thank you! And you're the best beta a girl could ask for!

[cassysj]

I think I read this on another board and am happy for the re-read. Very funny!

[wollstonecraft61]

Okay, read this again. And loved it again! I really would have loved to read the next scene in this story...how Beth explains everything!!!

[NocturneInCMoll]

Shucks--thanks, Cassy & Woll! Since it was my first posted fanfic, I'm still amazed that people actually like it. Anyway, sorry there won't be a sequel--but I'm attempting to work on an entirely different piece for this year.

[francis]

Reading this again made me laugh again. This is so full of goodies!

My favorite:

“Not if you don’t mind it being bitten off.”

Mark’s eyes widened in surprise and he backed off. “Fair enough,” he shrugged laughingly. “I hear that kind of thing a lot in my line of work.”

“I say that kind of thing a lot in my line of work.”

Both Mark’s and Josh’s brows shot up.

“Kidding!” Josef broke into a grin. Behind his back, he crossed his fingers.