Absolution- Follow on to Penance PG 13
Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 2:22 pm
Absolution
Disclaimer- Nope, I don't own the characters, or their adventures. I just get to play with them.
Rating- PG 13
Notes- This is the follow- on to "Penance" that One Zebra had suggested in her comments to that piece. OZ- I hope it lives up to the expectation!
Absolution
I watch him closely as we ride to Ander’s office, trying to figure out what has brought on the anger that has overtaken me since he returned to the immortal coil. I know that I really should be happy for him- after all, he’s run from that same fate for the past half century, and he seems comfortable with it for the first time ever. From the first moment, when he snarled and looked at me, ready to take on the world, I have been relieved by that, no matter how deeply I might feel the guilt and anger. In fact, I’ve never seen him so confident in himself… or so comfortable in his own vampiric skin. I should be grateful for that.
But the questions won’t go away, no matter how much I try to push them away. What did I do differently with him than I had with Sarah? The thought wriggles mercilessly at the back of my skull, almost physically painful to contemplate. I can’t think of anything that I could change… that’s the rub. I can’t say that I did anything different this time, or the other times I’ve brought someone into the blood than I did with Sarah. There is no logical reason to explain why she should have had any more difficulty coming back around than he did, yet she’s comatose and he’s beside me, better than ever. I try to take comfort in that and not dwell on that beautiful, silent body on her immense bed in New York, but it's not possible yet.
It doesn't take long for me to begin to calm, though. That sort of anger is simply too intense to be held for long, and guilt is pointless. After a few minutes of silence, pondering the quirks of fate, I can't take it any longer. It's time to try to embrace what is. After all, I have no good reason not to be happy for him, besides the guilt I feel about what might have been. This is the man I’ve known for 56 years- the man I love like he was my brother- the friend who has been beside me through hot and cold, good and bad, fun and danger. This is the good man I’d always hoped would come to accept his fate. That thought sticks in my head, like glue. I'd wished for that for him- and here I am... not even a witness to it, but the cause of that very transformation. The thought is humbling, and the what if's begin to speak in softer tones.
The trip isn’t a long one- but as I watch him, muttering to himself to keep from doing something he’d regret, at least the anger begins to leech away. He isn’t the one to blame for any of this- and it is increasingly obvious that I’m not either, no matter how much I’d like to believe that I am. I’m sure that there is some force above our own understanding who has determined this outcome, and I begin to understand. I have to believe that there is some explanation for losing her… if not, I couldn’t live with myself, and I'd have no reason to go on. As it is, I have another reason to be here right now- my closest friend, my sort of fledgling, who needs me to help him save his Beth. And besides, there is still the hope that a miracle might happen to bring her back. Only he could understand the sheer joy of that moment if- when- it happens.
He speaks to me, finally, as we arrive at the office. "I know that I can never repay you for this. But- thank you." Those few words melt the remaining ache, at least for the moment.
"No. Thank you."
Disclaimer- Nope, I don't own the characters, or their adventures. I just get to play with them.
Rating- PG 13
Notes- This is the follow- on to "Penance" that One Zebra had suggested in her comments to that piece. OZ- I hope it lives up to the expectation!
Absolution
I watch him closely as we ride to Ander’s office, trying to figure out what has brought on the anger that has overtaken me since he returned to the immortal coil. I know that I really should be happy for him- after all, he’s run from that same fate for the past half century, and he seems comfortable with it for the first time ever. From the first moment, when he snarled and looked at me, ready to take on the world, I have been relieved by that, no matter how deeply I might feel the guilt and anger. In fact, I’ve never seen him so confident in himself… or so comfortable in his own vampiric skin. I should be grateful for that.
But the questions won’t go away, no matter how much I try to push them away. What did I do differently with him than I had with Sarah? The thought wriggles mercilessly at the back of my skull, almost physically painful to contemplate. I can’t think of anything that I could change… that’s the rub. I can’t say that I did anything different this time, or the other times I’ve brought someone into the blood than I did with Sarah. There is no logical reason to explain why she should have had any more difficulty coming back around than he did, yet she’s comatose and he’s beside me, better than ever. I try to take comfort in that and not dwell on that beautiful, silent body on her immense bed in New York, but it's not possible yet.
It doesn't take long for me to begin to calm, though. That sort of anger is simply too intense to be held for long, and guilt is pointless. After a few minutes of silence, pondering the quirks of fate, I can't take it any longer. It's time to try to embrace what is. After all, I have no good reason not to be happy for him, besides the guilt I feel about what might have been. This is the man I’ve known for 56 years- the man I love like he was my brother- the friend who has been beside me through hot and cold, good and bad, fun and danger. This is the good man I’d always hoped would come to accept his fate. That thought sticks in my head, like glue. I'd wished for that for him- and here I am... not even a witness to it, but the cause of that very transformation. The thought is humbling, and the what if's begin to speak in softer tones.
The trip isn’t a long one- but as I watch him, muttering to himself to keep from doing something he’d regret, at least the anger begins to leech away. He isn’t the one to blame for any of this- and it is increasingly obvious that I’m not either, no matter how much I’d like to believe that I am. I’m sure that there is some force above our own understanding who has determined this outcome, and I begin to understand. I have to believe that there is some explanation for losing her… if not, I couldn’t live with myself, and I'd have no reason to go on. As it is, I have another reason to be here right now- my closest friend, my sort of fledgling, who needs me to help him save his Beth. And besides, there is still the hope that a miracle might happen to bring her back. Only he could understand the sheer joy of that moment if- when- it happens.
He speaks to me, finally, as we arrive at the office. "I know that I can never repay you for this. But- thank you." Those few words melt the remaining ache, at least for the moment.
"No. Thank you."
