Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

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Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby NocturneInCMoll » Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:41 am

Author’s note: An utterly ridiculous sequel to my old challenge piece, Picking Up The Pieces. Written very quickly and not betaed, so any bad writing, boo-boos, unbearable silliness, or ridiculous plot holes are mine. Do let me know if you notice anything particularly glaring.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


Picking Out The Pieces

Strutting down the hospital corridor on the way to the children’s ward, Mick heard a familiar voice. He stopped in his tracks.

“…And that’s all for today, kids! Come back next week for the exciting conclusion.”

A furrow appeared in his brow and he leaned against the wall beside the door to wait. After a round of goodbyes, Josef finally stepped out into the hall, and was waylaid.

“You’re undercutting me again? I came here to read to them!”

Josef smoothed Mick’s collar for him. “Relax, buddy—you can still read to them. Just go on in!”

With a glare at his friend, Mick did.

As soon as he stepped over the doorjamb, the giggles started. He smiled at first, but when the children failed at all attempts to suppress their laughter and Josef’s smirk became bigger, he grew suspicious.

With a frown, Mick held up a finger, grabbed Josef by the sleeve and dragged him out of the room. He crossed his arms. “All right…What the hell did you tell them this time?”

Josef’s eyes widened slightly. “Um…”

Half an hour earlier…

“Hiya, kids!” Josef waved enthusiastically. He dragged a big armchair to the front of the room and sat in it, resting his hands on his knees and surveying his audience for a minute.

“Hi, Uncle Josef!” they chorused.

“Are you going to tell us a story like last time?” a boy asked excitedly.

“I sure am, Mikey—and you’re going to help me. Get up here.” Josef stroked his chin. “And I’ll need one more volunteer.” Hands shot up around the room. “Er, a female one.” Half the hands went down, and Josef’s eyes fell on a quiet little girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes. “Ah, perfect! Bess, you come here.” Shyly, the little blonde girl climbed out of her bed and came toward him.

The boy had joined them as well, and Josef took them each by the hand. “Everyone,” he said, “This is Mike and Bess, and with my masterful prompts, they’re going to tell you a story.” He knelt down and said to his protégées, “I’ll provide the narrative, and you guys supply the dialogue and act it out. Is everything clear to you?”

The two children shook their heads.

“Okay,” Josef said, thinking for a moment. Then he whispered in each of their ears, and Mike and Bess nodded. “Great. Shall we begin?” he said to the audience.

The other children all nodded eagerly and sat forward in their beds. And Josef began.

“Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night…”

“BOO!” Mike cried, and Bess screamed.

Josef laid a hand firmly on top of the boy’s head. “Wrong supernatural creature, Mikey,” he hissed.

“Sorry,” the boy shrugged. He then grinned insolently at Bess, who was still trembling, and she stuck her tongue out at him.

“I’ll start again,” Josef said hotly, holding the two children apart. “Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. A girl named Bess lay asleep in her bed…”

Bess lay down on the floor and used her hands for a pillow.

“…When in from the window, a shadow crept.”

Mike tiptoed across the room toward Bess. “Hello, my pretty!” he cackled.

“No, no, Mike—you don’t talk to the girl yet, because you’re creepy and you’re watching her from afar. You wait until she talks to you.”

A furrow appeared in the boy’s brow, but he stopped in his tracks. Bess had one eye open and was watching him warily.

“So what do I do?” Mike asked Josef.

“You just watch her sleep.”

“But I don’t want him looking at me!” Bess cried.

“Trust me, honey, one day you will,” Josef said. “Let’s move on now, shall we? …The shadow, which turned out to be a man named Mike, stood by Bess’s window and watched her sleeping.”

“This is bor-ing,” Mike rolled his eyes.

“I completely agree,” Josef said. “I tried telling him, but—never mind.”

Mike looked confused. “Wait, how did I get up to her window?”

“A ladder!” Bess scrambled up off the floor.

Josef shook his head. “Far too pedestrian. He jumped. Now, go back to bed!” He pointed at the floor, and Bess complied.

“Am I Superman?” Mike wondered.

“No. You’re a vampire.”

Mike scrunched up his nose and looked skeptical. “I don’t have to sparkle, do I?”

“Certainly not!” Josef looked affronted. “Why would you sparkle?”

The boy shrugged. “That’s what the vampires my sister likes do.”

Josef shuddered. “Let’s get back to the story, shall we? What do you think should happen next?”

Mike pondered this a moment. “I think I should kill her.”

“NO!” Bess shouted. “You are a bad boy!”

“And therein lies the attraction,” Josef muttered. Aloud, he said, “Mike was not there to kill Bess. He loved her, even though she was a little annoying and nosy sometimes.”

“Hey!” Bess put a hand on her hip and glared at him.

“The character Bess, sweetie,” he soothed. “Not you.”

“Hmph,” she grunted.

“Now, there was a complication. Mike?”

“You have cooties,” he announced to Bess.

“Do not!” Bess cried. “And you pick your nose—I saw you!”

Josef blinked. “Well…this was unexpected, but Bess was an investigative journalist, and surely had credible sources.”

“Well, I’m a vampire, and I would know if Bess had cooties!” Mike shot back.

“As a vampire, Mike was not susceptible to cooties.”

Mike mumbled something under his breath, and Josef said with a slight narrowing of his eyes, “Uncle Josef is going to pretend he didn’t hear that.”

The boy’s eyes widened.

“Now, as it was established that Mick—er, um, I mean, Mike—picked his nose.”

“Mick?” one of the children gasped. “Is this story about Mick, like it was last week?”

“There was a Beth in the story last week, too! Bess sounds like Beth!”

“Geez, these kids are smart,” Josef muttered to himself, running a finger under his collar.

“The Mick that reads to us picks his nose?” asked a little boy.

“Ooh—he must be a vampire, too!” one precocious child deduced.

“No, no—no, no,” Josef began waving his hands around, “he’s not a vampire. No vampires! But he most definitely picks his nose. Yeah. Lots of big, giant, juicy ones. And then he eats them and goes ‘Mmmm…’”

The children began to giggle.

Back to the present…

“JOSEF!!!”

Josef dashed off down the corridor with Mick close behind him.


The End.
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby Luxe de Luxe » Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:23 am

you've done it again.... laughed out loud at this...
“So what do I do?” Mike asked Josef.

“You just watch her sleep.”

“But I don’t want him looking at me!” Bess cried.

“Trust me, honey, one day you will,” Josef said.


and this...
“Let’s get back to the story, shall we? What do you think should happen next?”

Mike pondered this a moment. “I think I should kill her.”

“NO!” Bess shouted. “You are a bad boy!”

“And therein lies the attraction,” Josef muttered.
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby GuardianAngel » Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:58 am

Ditto everything Luxe said - those were even my two favorite parts as well. I'll also add:
“This is bor-ing,” Mike rolled his eyes.

“I completely agree,” Josef said. “I tried telling him, but—never mind.”

NICM, you amaze me with your comedic timing. This was precious.
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby MickLifeCrisis » Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:05 am

:coffee: :rolling: :snicker: OMG, that was so funny! We don't have to wait till next Halloween to hear how Mick pays back Josef do we??

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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby redwinter101 » Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:22 am

:clapping: :clapping: :clapping:

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, Julie.
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby francis » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:09 pm

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

Ewwww, after what I read the title made (gross) sense. Now they will want to see Mick pick his nose, won't they? I hope one day Mick will find a way to take revenge on Josef. Maybe tell some embarrassing story about him.

:snicker: :giggle: :snicker:

ETA smilies.
Last edited by francis on Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby allegrita » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:39 pm

:coffee: :rolling: Josef, tsk, tsk... :nonono: that's really hitting a guy below the belt. Poor Mick! He's gonna have to find a new hospital, he'll never live this one down. :snicker:

Snarkiliciously hilarious once again, Nocturne! :clapping: :yahoo: Thank you so much for this wonderful sequel. :hearts: :hug:
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby librarian_7 » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:48 pm

:coffee: :coffee: (almost literally!)

Actually, my favorite one was "Uncle Josef is going to pretend he didn't hear that." :rolling:

In 400 years, you'd think his sense of humor would have matured a little...but evidently not...

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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby NocturneInCMoll » Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:57 am

Thanks so much, Luxe, GA, MickLife, Red, Francis, Alle and Lucky! :twothumbs: So glad you all enjoyed. I had lots of fun writing this. Poor Mick, though; in response to some of your comments about payback, I've started writing a sequel to this piece in which Mick attempts to redeem himself in the eyes of the children.

P.S. Francis, SO glad you got the title! :rolling:
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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby jen » Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:26 am

NoctureInCMoll

This was so funny! I have to agree with Francis about the title. :rolling: Just because Josef is over four hundred years old doesn't mean he has a shred of maturity. :rolling: :rolling:

Josef is skirting on the edge here. I know the prognosis of these kids is not great, but kids talk. A LOT.

As for Mick, he has been friends with Josef for half a century. I would guess he has a fairly well-honed instinct for payback and damage control.

Fabulous job.

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Re: Picking Out The Pieces [sequel] PG

Postby NocturneInCMoll » Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:27 am

Thanks so much, Jenna! Glad you enjoyed. Boys never really grow up, even if they live to be 400. Josef is definitely living dangerously, though--kids are more likely to believe in vampires than adults, and they do repeat the darndest things. Mick is working on his payback, but we'll see how good he is at it...
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